Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* Starting this fall, vehicle renewal notices will be mailed by the state of Nebraska. This will allow the DMV to focus on what it does best -- taking really bad photos.

* The widening of 84th Street may soon be at hand. The goal: Make 84th wide enough to accommodate an entire bread box.

* A law in Tennessee makes it illegal to catch a fish with a lasso. Is the Nebraska Legislature moonlighting for another state?

* Mayor Jean Stothert has proposed a new aquatic center for northwest Omaha, where events could include synchronized swimming. I just hope she realizes that Omaha has held mayoral recall elections for lesser offenses.

* The Princeton Review has named the University of Iowa the nation's No. 1 party school. I suspected as much when the Iowa Board of Regents approved building the new arts and sciences building in the shape of a giant keg.

* You can now get class credit at Iowa for projectile vomiting.

* The ranking is being protested by the group "People Who Have Never Been to Iowa City On a Friday Night."

* Iowa was ranked No. 1; Penn State was ranked No. 9. When UNL officials said they were excited about joining the Big Ten due to its high national ranking, I had no idea this is what they meant.

* The Republican National Committee has threatened CNN and NBC, saying unless the networks cancel plans for documentaries about Hillary Clinton, the RNC won't allow them to air primary debates in 2016. That would be CNN, the Clinton News Network, and NBC, which stands for Nothing But Clinton.

* Then, the RNC said to MSNBC: "Unless you cut down on the ... ah, what's the use?"

* In a desperate ploy to pay down the national debt, President Obama announced plans to sign autographs under the alias "Johnny Manziel" and then try to sell 'em.

* On Sunday, President Obama turned 52. If you're searching for a belated gift, Obama could use a jobs plan.

* The president's party was marred when Congress failed to approve his nominee for cake decorator.

* Obama said he hopes the next chair of the Federal Reserve tries to help ordinary Americans. You know what that means -- the possibility of five-year CDs that pay a whopping 0.8 percent.

* According to reports, Edward Snowden is close to landing a job in Russia as a website designer. The Obama jobs creation team said, "We're so desperate to lower unemployment, we'll take it."

* It's reported that North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has a $7 million yacht. There's just something wrong with a country whose weekend pleasure boat is worth more than the nation's entire navy.

* There is video of Johnny Manziel being escorted out of a fraternity party at the University of Texas to jeers as a beer can whizzes past his head. Normally when you see something like this, it's members of Congress leaving for summer recess.

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