Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here to read his morning edition.

* Bad news: On Thursday morning, Twitter was down. Good news: Twitter was down!

* Illegal immigrants just had a big scare. Rick Santorum said that Republicans are going to work on some presumably tough immigration reform. Then he said any changes would require Republicans and Democrats to compromise, and every illegal immigrant breathed a huge sigh of relief and enjoyed a hearty laugh.

* This is bizarre. Tea party members have suspended all political debate so they can focus on having Jim Nabors's marriage annulled.

* In business news, the Atari company has filed for bankruptcy. What in the world? I hope this doesn't mean Pong sales are beginning to slow.

* Researchers have created a new “coughing robot” that spews millions of flu germs per hour. With the kind of luck I have when traveling, I'll end up seated next to this thing on a 5-hour flight.

* In Seattle, 6,000 people set a world record for “largest snowball fight.” That breaks the old record set by Omaha Public Works Department employees when they were supposed to be clearing the roads.

* Nik Wallenda just walked 200 feet in the air on a tight rope for 600 feet in 25 mph winds without a harness. And even he is amazed at the courage shown by the first sportswriter who dared ask Ray Lewis about performance enhancers at media day.

* I love Super Sunday -- that annual day when families gather in front of TV and Dad cups his hands to prepare to cover his kid's eyes the moment the GoDaddy commercial comes on.

* Security has been beefed up to keep out anyone who does not belong at the Super Bowl. You hear that, Rex Ryan?

* Commissioner Roger Goodell said Pro Bowl players appeared to try harder than they did in 2012. He's got that right. At least this time, not one punt returner called for a fair catch from a La-Z-Boy.

* Beyonce is going to bring 50 fans on stage during her Super Bowl halftime show. There will be 51 people on stage at a Super Bowl. We tried that -- it was called the Black Eyed Peas.

* Ray Lewis has been linked to a banned compound in deer spray. Instead of a Ray Lewis pregame dance, now we have to call it a “prance.”

* According to reports, Tim Tebow wants to go to a team that is less dysfunctional than the Jets. That eliminates pretty much just the Boston Red Sox.

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