Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* Gov. Dave Heineman has approved a Keystone XL Pipeline route. The pipeline route will cross through the backyards of every official that opposes Heineman's income tax elimination plan.

* A meeting is scheduled for tonight to discuss the Crossroad revitalization project. Planners have their work cut out for them. During the meeting, a tumbleweed will probably blow through, and there will maybe even be a Big Foot sighting in front of Sears.

* One plan calls for the Crossroads to be turned into mostly open air shops. Great, now when you go to Crossroads, you can be both cold and lonely.

* Freddie Gray has reportedly resigned as OPS Board president. Apparently, she quit to spend more time with her tax preparers.

* Gray was recently re-elected OPS Board president in a vote that took 30 rounds to determine a winner. Who can walk away from a mandate like that?

* At the U.S. Figure Skating Championships at the CenturyLink Center, a “kiss and cry area” was set aside. We should have one of those for all city council elections.

* The World-Herald featured a piece on figure skating “fan etiquette.” Basically, all you have to do is watch NFL fans and then do everything the opposite.

* Several figure skating fans are here from Europe. Even though some of these people grew up behind the Berlin Wall, they've never seen anything as totalitarian as the Omaha hotel tax.

* Figure skating includes a novice division. It's too bad Big Ten men's basketball doesn't have that.

* Arnold Schwarzenegger's new movie is a flop. Even more embarrassing -- Michelle Obama showed better biceps in her inaugural gown.

* Mrs. Clinton appeared upset, angry and borderline furious. And that was just after the first question from the congressional committee about whether she thought Beyonce lip-synced.

* It is bitterly cold across most of the nation. It's so cold in Washington, D.C. that Beyonce could see her breath if anything was actually coming out when she sang.

* It appears that Beyonce probably did lip-sync. Something is wrong in this world when Beyonce is lip-syncing the national anthem and Roseanne sings live.

* This explains Beyonce's secret service code name -- “Milli Vanilli.”

* President Obama is preparing his State of the Union address. He's spent enough time around Beyonce that he's going to lip-sync.

* Obama said the U.S. is not a deadbeat nation. And, we're going to pay that $49 we owe to J.C. Penney just as soon as Congress gets its act together.

* Because John Kerry is a virtual shoe-in for Secretary of State, his confirmation hearings are expected to consist mostly of senators praising and complimenting Kerry. Well, I just hope he doesn't get a big head.

* Former Sen. Jim DeMint stepped down to join a think tank. If most members of the current Congress joined a think tank, they'd drown.

* A NASA telescope discovered a mysterious, distant object 65,000 light years from Earth. Someone tell Dwight Howard we just located the ball from his last free throw attempt.

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