Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

* * * * * * * * * *

Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* London recently experienced heavy snow, which workers had trouble removing. Let’s see -- heavy snow that workers are slow to remove and high taxes. Hey, I think we found a new sister city for Omaha.

* MSN has named Omaha one of the 10 “Coolest Cities” in the Midwest. With the road conditions, we also appear to be a lock to make that “slickest cities” list, too.

* Hello from Omaha, where our official side street snow removal policy is “better late than never.”

* There is a Subaru recall. Great, the only cars that can make it up the hills in Omaha, and next time there’s snow, they may all be in the shop.

* It is bitterly cold in Omaha on Thursday. To provide perspective, the temperature in town is the same as between secretary of defense nominee Chuck Hagel and the Armed Services Committee.

* The U.S. Congress has begun confirmation hearings for Secretary of Defense nominee Chuck Hagel. If Congress was completely out of its element during fiscal cliff debate, now it is back to doing what it does best -- digging up dirt on nominees.

* Dave Heineman is now in the record books as Nebraska’s longest serving governor. Medical researchers are interested in studying Heineman. Before now, it was believed to be impossible to spend this long working with the Nebraska Legislature and to maintain an ounce of sanity.

* For the first time, the Berkshire shareholders meeting will include a 5K “fun run.” CNBC is planning more coverage of this event than of the Super Bowl.

* The White House has decided against minting a $1 trillion coin. Oh, great, now how is Warren Buffett’s secretary going to pay her taxes?

* In recent days, the White House has decided not to mint a $1 trillion coin, not to allow Alabama to secede and rejected an online petition to build a Death Star laser like the one in “Star Wars.” I, for one, am just glad the White House is dealing with our most important issues.

* The White House rejected a proposal to build an $850 quadrillion Death Star laser. Normally the only time you see a figure like $850 quadrillion in the news is when Nebraska property taxes are due.

* There were a lot of tears on Hillary Clinton’s last day as secretary of state. Mostly from Bill when it dawned on him that she’s going to be home all day.

* Paul Ryan just celebrated his birthday. The party was only slightly marred when he returned all his gifts after labeling them “unnecessary entitlements.”

* Rep. Charlie Rangel (D.-N.Y.) called President Obama’s nominees “embarrassing as hell.” A representative of hell immediately put out a statement requesting that it not be linked to Washington politics today, lest the reputation of hell be damaged.

* President Obama’s cabinet has been criticized as being “a boys club.” To make matters worse, it was called that by officials at Augusta National.

Recommended for you

(0) comments

Welcome to the discussion.

Please keep it clean, turn off CAPS LOCK and don't threaten anyone. Be truthful, nice and proactive. And share with us - we love to hear eyewitness accounts.

You must be a digital subscriber to view this article.