Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* The Omaha City Council unanimously passed Mayor Jean Stothert's $793 million budget Tuesday. City Council members used the traditional “Rock-paper-scissors” method to make their decision.

* Welcome to Omaha, the only city with a parking czar and no permanent fire chief.

* Fire Chief Mike McDonnell announced he was leaving his post at a small press conference in front of a city fire engine. After, of course, checking to make sure no women were dancing atop the fire engine.

* McDonnell will receive the largest pension among Omaha public officials. That is comparable to winning the largest Powerball jackpot ever, only it involves more money.

* This is tantamount to growing the largest potato ever in Idaho.

* There were subtle signs the relationship between the mayor and fire chief was not working out. Take Stothert's second day in office, when she placed McDonnell in a collar-elbow hookup.

* McDonnell negotiated a pretty sweet exit deal with Mayor Stothert. Under terms of the arrangement, Stothert must begin every press conference by reciting the Fireman's Pledge.

* The Bellevue City Council is considering a restaurant tax. Bellevue may be borrowing ideas from Omaha. We'll know for sure when every third car in Bellevue is towed, side streets don't get plowed, and the mayor and police chief appear to hate one another.

* In a policy change, OPS teachers can now show YouTube videos in the classroom. Sure, what better preparation for the workforce than for students to watch funny cat videos all day?

* OPS teachers are also allowed to contact parents on Twitter. This is for parents who want to chart their kid's progress, but can only take hearing about that progress 140 characters at a time.

* A zoo in China put a dog inside a cage and tried to pass it off as an African lion. I'll never complain about the Lincoln zoo again.

* “Alert” zoo patrons realized it wasn't an actual lion. How alert do you have to be to realize the Schnauzer in the cage isn't a lion?

* Elton John will play Lincoln's Pinnacle Bank Arena in November. Your move, CenturyLink Center.

* Naturally people will see Elton's pink feather boa with purple and mauve pants in Lincoln and assume it's Adidas' latest alternate Husker football uniforms.

* Fifty years ago Wednesday, Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his “I Have a Dream” speech and captivated a nation. Today, it'd be ranked fourth on YouTube, behind two funny dog videos and a cat playing with a baby.

* According to a CDC study, the nation's most obese states are Louisiana and Mississippi. Let's see if the Southeastern Conference goes around bragging about this.

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