Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here to read his morning jokes.

* KETV reporter Todd Andrews will be OPS' new communications director. To land the job, Andrews had to say, "We'll be making a decision on whether to close schools due to snow by 6 a.m." better than any of the other candidates.

* I have no idea why Andrews accepted the position. He'll be paid $124,273.78. OK, now I have an idea why Andrews accepted the position.

* The biggest adjustment going from being an on-air reporter at KETV to working for OPS? Less vacation time.

* The movie "Kick-Ass 2" opened on Thursday night. This one stars Al Pacino and Helen Mirren. Just kidding.

* That's two too many "Kick-Asses" for my taste.

* The Olsen twins are accused of stealing their new clothing line. Now who would think that the Olsen Twins ripped off their style of dress -- the band Nirvana?

* Meanwhile, Justin Bieber has been sued for supposedly ripping off a song. I'm not sure what takes more guts -- publicly admitting you dress like the Olsens or sing like Bieber.

* During the third quarter of Thursday night's Cleveland Browns-Detroit Lions game, a streaker ran across the field, alluding security. The Browns organization then asked the streaker if he has any experience returning punts.

* I saw a naked guy running across the field and assumed it was part of the NFL's demonstration of how they'll make the Pro Bowl more fun.

* On a November TV special, two NFL players race a cheetah. To demonstrate the impact of performance-enhancers on sports, the cheetah will be given a 20-yard head start.

* NFL players are going to race a cheetah. Yawn. What I'm looking forward to is Bo Pelini racing the sideline reporter at halftime of every game.

* Stop me if you've heard this one 10,000 times before, but the future of the Cox Classic is up in the air.

* Johnny Manziel is prepared to start the season with those other 10 men he depends on -- his legal team.

* LeBron James was called for jury duty. LeBron was dismissed after saying he wouldn't serve unless the jury included Dwyane Wade and a free-agent 7-footer.

* LeBron also said he planned to go on ESPN for an hourlong special to announce the jury's verdict.

Also from Brad: I'll take a ham sandwich, but hold the maggots

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