Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here for Brad's morning jokes.

* At Omaha's River City Rodeo on Sept. 28, a BBQ contest called Bacon-mania will be held. With all the fests, manias and contests, at this current rate, sometime in 2014, Omaha will be renamed Baconville.

* This weekend's Hempfest in Seattle is expected to draw as many as 85,000 per day. Twinkies came back just in time.

* According to a report, the NSA monitors 0.00004 percent of Internet traffic. When I saw 0.00004 percent, I assumed it was Anthony Weiner's latest position in the New York City mayor's race polls.

* Weiner's new strategy: appeal to voters who dislike the media. If I see one more news report about an incarcerated "teen mom" or yet another behind-the-scenes look at "Dancing with the Stars," Weiner may have my support.

* Two cast members of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" face federal fraud charges. I think this is the best deterrent to crime possible. You break the law and get locked up in the same prison as whining "Real Housewives" stars.

* Paris Hilton's Malibu house was burglarized for the seventh time. I'm guessing this is because her watch dog is a chiffon-wearing Chihuahua who answers to FuFu.

* Fortunately, thieves were unable to get away with Hilton's valuables since she was wearing them all at the time.

* According to an Internet report, Lady Gaga's restaurant was overrun by mice. Say, you don't suppose that's where she got in the habit of wearing those 8-inch heels?

* Justin Bieber completed his full-arm tattoo sleeve. This would give Bieber serious street cred if only he didn't look 8 years old.

* A penguin couple has set a record for monogamy by staying together for 16 years. They appeared on "Good Morning America" and finished each other's sentences.

* The Little League World Series is underway. I think it's just nice to see some baseball players enjoying a growth spurt that's not PED-related.

* Altogether, MLB suspended 13 players for doping. Or, as the Tour de France calls that: "pretty much any Tuesday morning."

* Terry Bradshaw performed a 70-minute solo show in Las Vegas. One Broadway veteran said he does not feel Bradshaw has the chops to do a one-man show. And it was Mike Tyson.

* Fallout continues after Drew Brees left a $3 tip on a $74 takeout order. Because he plays for the Saints, let's hope we never learn that Brees once placed a $2 bounty on an opponent.

* LeBron James was called for jury duty in his hometown of Akron, Ohio, but then dismissed. I believe he was dismissed when, instead of the $5 per day most jurors receive, his agent demanded $30 million.

Also from Brad: Don't tell me you missed the Maine Redneck Games

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