Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

* * * * * * * * * *

Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* Friday and Saturday are sales tax holidays in Iowa. In Omaha, we have our own tax-related event called "Audit Grandma: Restaurant Tax Compliance Day."

* For those keeping score: Thursday night's approaching "Weather Armageddon of unprecedented proportion" resulted in a half-inch of precipitation in Omaha.

* According to a new study, mosquitoes often bite those they find attractive. If mosquitoes bite those they find attractive, Omahans must be the most beautiful people on Earth.

* Nebraska optometrists want to expand their responsibilities; ophthalmologists are opposed. I'll say it because I have no shame: Can't these two groups see eye-to-eye?

* In Mexico City, a new building was designed to "eat smog." Maybe one day Omaha can get the first "pothole-eating dwelling."

* On Thursday, a same-sex couple was married at Minnesota's Mall of America. This is why same-sex couples fought so hard -- so they could enjoy a traditional marriage ceremony in front of Wienerschnitzel and next to Radio Shack.

* On Capitol Hill, GOP Sen. John McCain accidentally walked into a room where President Obama was meeting with top Democrats. In a sign of the acrimony in Washington, Harry Reid got McCain in a choke hold while Nancy Pelosi head-butted him.

* Since McCain walked into the meeting, the secret's out. Michelle Obama and George Clooney were calling the shots for the Democrats while the president watched basketball.

* President Obama is kicking off a series of speeches on the U.S. economy. Thus, he has just proclaimed August "Blame Bush Month."

* President Obama is credited with bringing back "dad jeans." Thirty years from now, when they hear the president's name, people will say: "Barack Obama? I know that name ... I remember! He's the dude who brought back dad jeans!"

* Obama wears a special style of 'dad jeans' where you can fit all of Hollywood in your hip pocket.

* NSA whistle-blower Edward Snowden has finally left the Moscow airport. He left in a taxi. It was a traditional Russian taxi -- a '54 Buick being pushed by three guys.

* Now that he's free of the Moscow airport, Snowden leveled his latest allegation -- that the Russian government spies on its citizens via eavesdropping devices planted inside toilet paper.

* Despite Detroit's recent bankruptcy filing, a Michigan state board unanimously gave the go-ahead for a new Red Wings arena downtown, partially paid for by taxpayer funds. Sure, they were worried about angering the one group even tougher than creditors -- hockey fans.

* The continuing royal baby coverage is getting a little ridiculous. ABC just unveiled its "royal baby poop cam."

* "The Bachelorette" was apparently 'blindsided' by a guy on this week's episode. This was a complete surprise to everybody except the 10 million regular 'Bachelorette' viewers.

* U.S. commercial airlines altered their flight plans to avoid flying directly over a Mexico volcano. Smart move. Just when you think summer air travel can't get any worse, you hear: "Please fasten your seat belts. We are about to fly through molten lava."

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

Recommended for you

(0) comments

Welcome to the discussion.

Please keep it clean, turn off CAPS LOCK and don't threaten anyone. Be truthful, nice and proactive. And share with us - we love to hear eyewitness accounts.

You must be a digital subscriber to view this article.