Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* Friday and Saturday are sales tax holidays in Iowa. In Omaha, we have our own tax-related event called "Audit Grandma: Restaurant Tax Compliance Day."

* For those keeping score: Thursday night's approaching "Weather Armageddon of unprecedented proportion" resulted in a half-inch of precipitation in Omaha.

* According to a new study, mosquitoes often bite those they find attractive. If mosquitoes bite those they find attractive, Omahans must be the most beautiful people on Earth.

* Nebraska optometrists want to expand their responsibilities; ophthalmologists are opposed. I'll say it because I have no shame: Can't these two groups see eye-to-eye?

* In Mexico City, a new building was designed to "eat smog." Maybe one day Omaha can get the first "pothole-eating dwelling."

* On Thursday, a same-sex couple was married at Minnesota's Mall of America. This is why same-sex couples fought so hard -- so they could enjoy a traditional marriage ceremony in front of Wienerschnitzel and next to Radio Shack.

* On Capitol Hill, GOP Sen. John McCain accidentally walked into a room where President Obama was meeting with top Democrats. In a sign of the acrimony in Washington, Harry Reid got McCain in a choke hold while Nancy Pelosi head-butted him.

* Since McCain walked into the meeting, the secret's out. Michelle Obama and George Clooney were calling the shots for the Democrats while the president watched basketball.

* President Obama is kicking off a series of speeches on the U.S. economy. Thus, he has just proclaimed August "Blame Bush Month."

* President Obama is credited with bringing back "dad jeans." Thirty years from now, when they hear the president's name, people will say: "Barack Obama? I know that name ... I remember! He's the dude who brought back dad jeans!"

* Obama wears a special style of 'dad jeans' where you can fit all of Hollywood in your hip pocket.

* NSA whistle-blower Edward Snowden has finally left the Moscow airport. He left in a taxi. It was a traditional Russian taxi -- a '54 Buick being pushed by three guys.

* Now that he's free of the Moscow airport, Snowden leveled his latest allegation -- that the Russian government spies on its citizens via eavesdropping devices planted inside toilet paper.

* Despite Detroit's recent bankruptcy filing, a Michigan state board unanimously gave the go-ahead for a new Red Wings arena downtown, partially paid for by taxpayer funds. Sure, they were worried about angering the one group even tougher than creditors -- hockey fans.

* The continuing royal baby coverage is getting a little ridiculous. ABC just unveiled its "royal baby poop cam."

* "The Bachelorette" was apparently 'blindsided' by a guy on this week's episode. This was a complete surprise to everybody except the 10 million regular 'Bachelorette' viewers.

* U.S. commercial airlines altered their flight plans to avoid flying directly over a Mexico volcano. Smart move. Just when you think summer air travel can't get any worse, you hear: "Please fasten your seat belts. We are about to fly through molten lava."

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