Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* The U.S. Figure Skating Championships are under way in Omaha. Tuesday morning, I saw a triple Salchow, a double lutz and a figure eight, and that was just on my morning commute with the snow.

* Both President Obama and Joe Biden took the oath of office. The networks covered Obama's oath in hushed, reverential tones aware that history was indeed being made. During the Biden oath, several of them cut away to an infomerical for the Egg Genie.

* In his inaugural address, President Obama spoke of the need for political compromise. I wish he would've stuck to stuff that's theoretically possible, like, say, putting a man on Mars by Labor Day.

* After being sworn into office, an emotional President Obama turned and hugged the woman to whom he gives all the credit for him even getting a second term -- Candy Crowley.

* James Taylor performed at the inauguration. I'm trying to confirm that Taylor sang “You've Got a Friend,” and John Boehner said: “Yeah? Who might that be?”

* A crowd of more than 800,000 turned out. It looked like any drug store still offering flu shots.

* After original estimates put the size of the crowds in Washington for the inauguration at 900,000, but turns out it may have been closer to 800,000. The crowd estimate was 100,000 people too high. Normally when you see that, it's at a Creighton baseball game.

* Kelly Clarkson performed at the inauguration. Past presidential inaugurations featured performances by Frank Sinatra and Aretha Franklin; today's Washington gets Kelly Clarkson. Yeah, that sounds about right.

* John McCain tweeted congratulations to President Obama from his handle: “Oldest_Guy_On_Twitter.”

* The inaugural parade included an entire small circus. A circus that close to Congress? I believe the term would be redundant.

* The inaugural parade included kids on bicycles, a few neighbors and a band. It was like something you'd see in Dundee on the Fourth of July.

* At an inauguration concert, a rapper named Lupe Fiasco criticized President Obama and had to be escorted off-stage. There's a shock -- Lupe Fiasco was a handful. Couldn't they have booked someone whose name is less indicative of a potential problem? Say, Fred Civil-Disobedience?

* There was a so-called “Green Ball” where the focus was on the environment. It was so popular, half the cherry blossom bushes had to be cut down to create enough parking.

* There was a massive shortage of port-a-potties during the Obama inaugural parade. I'd like to clear something up. The 200,000 people hopping on one leg was not Riverdance.

* The biggest problem during the inauguration: a shortage of port-a-potties along the National Mall. I can't confirm that Republican members of Congress were seen loading the port-a-potties into trucks and driving off.

* The Obama inauguration team only budgeted for 1,500 port-a-potties. This had the makings of the lamest Obama fundraiser yet.

* President Obama's inaugural parade was only slightly marred by Karl Rove running down Pennsylvania Avenue screaming, “I found six more votes for Romney!”

* Michelle Obama debuted a new hairstyle with bangs. The federal austerity is so strict she's now going to Great Clips.

* Cyndi Lauper performed at one of the president's inaugural events. Man, these government cuts are worse than I thought.

* The obvious message being: If the president can revive Cyndi Lauper's career, he can create a job for you.

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