Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* The Nebraska State Fair kicks off Friday. This year there's a Sky Tram. The big danger? Walking beneath people who've been dining on doughnut burgers, frog legs and deep-fried cupcakes.

* State Fair menu offerings include doughnut burgers, fried frog legs and deep-fried Hostess cupcakes. We've reached the point where the funnel cakes are now health food.

* One tip: You know your frog legs have been undercooked if you find yourself chasing them down the midway.

* The fair officially begins when a fair-goer throws up the first fried cheese possum.

* I read that since the State Fair moved to Grand Island, the focus has been on livestock. That explains the new menu item -- heifer on a stick.

* There's a western show at the Nebraska State Fair. I guess it features Jean Stothert and Deb Fischer demonstrating their shooting and trick-rope skills, respectively.

* The Leaning Tower of Pisa is reportedly straightening out. This Leaning Tower of Pisa is such a stupid tourist attraction anyway. Hey, anybody want to carpool to Carhenge this weekend?

* Omaha City Councilman Pete Festersen has proposed increasing the number of police officers to 820 by 2015. This makes sense. We should have at least as many officers on the streets as former police chiefs to whom we're paying pensions.

* In Iowa, felony drug charges have been filed against a man whose legal name is Beezow Doo-doo Zopittybop-bop-bop. I can picture a friend going, “Say, I know a Beezow Doo-doo Zopittybop-bop-bop; Wonder if it's the same guy?”

* President Obama is wrapping up a two-day bus trip. The federal economy is so bad, that bus is a Greyhound.

* During a speech in Syracuse, N.Y., on Thursday, Obama was heckled. I believe he was heckled by a member of the train engineers' union upset about the 800 trips Obama has taken on buses.

* Obama called for ranking colleges on affordability and graduation rates. That's a great idea. We can start ranking colleges next year and put the BCS in charge of the whole thing!

* CNN is bragging about Chris Cuomo's "exclusive" interview with the president. Is this anything worth bragging about? CNN got Obama after “The View,” “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,” Jimmy Fallon and Rachel Ray.

* Newt Gingrich called on Republicans to find policies to support. After hearing this, both major parties reacted with indignation, retorting: “Policies? You mean we can't just spend every waking moment trashing our opponent and running for re-election?”

* Due to some kind of glitch, the Nasdaq was down for three hours on Thursday. The situation wasn't helped by CNBC personnel running through the studio, screaming, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling.”

* “Gilligan's Island” is coming to Me-TV, where it will be promoted as “the most current program we've got.”

* There is sure to be some confusion. After watching “Gilligan's Island,” many viewers are certain to confuse it for a documentary on Carnival Cruise Lines.

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