Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* I'd just like to say to kindergartners whose first walk to school in Omaha included dealing with inclement weather and bypassing orange traffic cones, construction zones and detours, it won't always be like -- oh, wait, this is Omaha, so yeah, get used to it.

* Omaha-area kids are mostly back in school. In the middle of August. "What I Did On My Summer Vacation: We piled into the family station wagon and drove halfway to Disneyland before we had to turn around and come home to get ready for school."

* We've reached critical mass in Omaha -- there are now more candidates for OPS Board than there are days of summer vacation for our children.

* The first Huskers' football game of 2013 is two weeks from Saturday. Traditionally, this is the time of year local fans don their rubber corncob heads and sit in front of TV holding a stopwatch.

* A new, super-high-resolution scoreboard debuted at CenturyLink Center Omaha. In a related story, MECA voted down a request for a new doorknob for the Civic Auditorium.

* The big local story remains bat bugs. If a bat bug bites the Council Bluffs "Teen Mom," it'll be the biggest story of the decade for Omaha media.

* A bus driver in Arizona may be fined for "stupidity." Imagine fining drivers for stupidity? Hey, wait a minute -- I think I've come up with a way of paying down the Omaha budget deficit in less than a week.

* I'm pretty sure Omaha doesn't have a "stupid motorist law." If it did, there would be three people on Dodge Street during the evening commute, with the rest in traffic court or jail.

* The oldest fort built by Europeans in the U.S. has been unearthed in North Carolina. It was built in 1567. It was supposed to have been built in 1566, but the builder wanted to finish the Mall of the Bluffs first.

* Vice President Joe Biden will be in Iowa to attend Sen. Tom Harkin's steak fry in September. A steak fry is an appropriate early campaign event for Biden, seeing as how his goose is cooked if Hillary Clinton decides to run.

* At the Missouri State Fair, a rodeo clown donned a President Obama mask. He was kicked out of the fair, but not before Republicans asked him to give the party's rebuttal to the next State of the Union address.

* The Missouri rodeo clown who was fired for mocking President Obama has a new job. I believe he's now serving in the Texas Legislature.

* Meghan McCain now has her own TV show on the Pivot network. Great. Now I have to try and avoid networks I've never even heard of.

* Walmart has allegedly been overtaxing some customers who present coupons. The Douglas Country Board of Commissioners said: "We're intrigued. Can you tell us a little more about this concept of 'overtaxing'?"

* A passenger claims the sandwich he bought at the Atlanta airport had maggots. He realized this when what he thought was Parmesan cheese on the bread began to move. That's always a dining red flag -- the cheese takes a hike.

* I just hope being linked to airport food doesn't harm the image of maggots.

* This is reason No. 285 to avoid the Atlanta airport.

* After hearing about this, Atlanta officials reacted immediately and moved the restaurant to a part of the airport with worse lighting, so it'll be more difficult to see the cheese move.

* A village in New York state has proposed using birth control to control the deer population. The proposal was met with approval by all city employees except for the guy whose job it'd be to put the condoms on the bucks in heat.

* According to a new study, it's a good idea to go to bed angry. This is the latest study from the We'll Say Anything To Get Online Views organization.

Want more from Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

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