Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* Summer is winding down. It seems like only yesterday Omaha was observing Memorial Day. And now, 25 water main breaks, 50 fireworks shows, a couple dozen bacon festivals and 100 Beer Fests later, here we are.

* It was a short summer vacation for Omaha-area school kids. They're going back to school, and we still have a good two months of drought left.

* It's time for the Back To School Walk. Actually, because this is Omaha, instead of a walk, it's now a 5K.

* At the Iowa State Fair, somebody defaced the butter cow. You can get the death penalty for that, right?

* Over the weekend, many Omahans reported hearing a test of the emergency preparedness sirens. It turns out that was actually the "singing" coming from "American Idol" auditions at the CenturyLink Center.

* This weekend, "American Idol" auditions were held at Omaha's CenturyLink Center. That's the new "American Idol" strategy -- follow Justin Bieber around the country so your contestants sound good in comparison.

* Local media continues to report on bat bugs -- bugs that travel on bats and then enter your home. In thanks for getting her off the front page, Mayor Jean Stothert presented a bat bug with the key to the city.

* PayPal accidentally credited a man's account for $92 quadrillion. I saw "$92 quadrillion," and my first reaction was: That Omaha city budget deficit is getting out of control.

* According to a recent well-being survey, Lincoln is the Happiest City in the U.S. I'm assuming the survey was taken on a day when Bo Pelini was recruiting out of town.

* The world's first hamburger made from stem cells has been produced in the lab. Man, we're taking these threatened fast-food worker strikes seriously.

* Considering how much we love to eat, this is a bigger breakthrough than cloning.

* From the I-am-not-making-this-up file: There's a new bra that comes off when you clap. The most important thing: Never wear this to a presidential State of the Union speech.

* I read that President Obama will award Oprah Winfrey "the nation's highest civilian honor" -- "Celebrity of the Month"?

* Lon Snowden, the father of NSA whistle-blower Edward Snowden, sharply criticized President Obama. He was so critical of Obama, the surprise new Republican front-runner for president in 2016 is Lon Snowden.

* An historian claims George Washington was not our first president. In light of this new information, I want my first grade teacher, Mrs. Crossfield, to change my score on that history quiz from a 68 to a 70.

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