Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here for Brad's morning jokes.

* Mayor Jean Stothert called for public oversight of the Police Department. Stothert would do it herself, but she's busy monitoring the Fire Department 24/7.

* The Omaha City Council is considering looser rules for tobacco and liquor. That's the big problem in Omaha -- people walking up to 11 feet before bumping into a beer garden.

* There was a rare blue moon Tuesday night. Come on. The Huskers kick off the 2013 season in 10 days -- it should be a red moon.

* This was the last blue moon until 2015. Still, most Americans were unwilling to get off the couch while "So You Think You Can Dance" was on.

* Cox Classic golfers are preparing for typical "Cox Classic conditions," which are roughly similar to playing on the surface of the sun, only hotter.

* Tuesday was Autograph Day at the Cox Classic. The event was tainted when Johnny Manziel showed up carrying a pen and a tip jar.

* Red Sox pitcher Ryan Dempster was suspended five games for hitting Alex Rodriguez. In a possibly related story, Ryan Dempster is the new front-runner in the 2016 presidential election.

* ESPN has parted ways with NFL analyst Hugh Douglas for his role in an alcohol-fueled incident. The Obama administration is now blaming the stubbornly high unemployment rate on all the ESPN analysts fired over alcohol-fueled incidents.

* Federal marijuana laws may change in 2019. That gives regular marijuana users just enough time to find their cars.

* John Stamos will host a new Internet show where celebrities reveal how they lost their virginity. It was awkward enough watching Louie Anderson on "Splash."

* A new restaurant in Albuquerque, N.M., serves nothing but cereal. That's the great thing about dining out -- it gives you an opportunity to sample cuisine that's not easily prepared at home.

* A new, testicle-eating fish has been discovered. You thought Dad wasn't looking forward going to the lake on Labor Day before...

* The NCAA no longer sells jerseys on its website. No word if this is because the NCAA realizes the real money is in autographs.

* Hockey Hall-of-Famer Doug Gilmour, now GM of the Kingston Frontenacs, traded away his own son. Bill Belichick said, "That's cold."

Also from Brad: Mayor Jean Stothert now packing a Super Soaker

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