Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* At a pre-BaconFest event, Mayor Jean Stothert pardoned Sal the pig. This comes only after a thorough background check revealed that Sal has no ties to the Omaha Fire Department.

* Later, Sal said he was glad he didn't have to depend on Nebraska Gov. Dave Heineman to pardon him.

* The IRS has fined Douglas County $12,000 for data entry errors on tax forms. The Douglas County Board of Commissioners collectively released a guttural guffaw and said: "Big deal. We'll raise taxes on Omahans just enough to cover the 12-grand."

* Almost 15 years after it was originally proposed, 84th Street in Papillion is set to be widened, with the work completed in 2015. You know what we call it in eastern Nebraska when roadwork is completed some 17 years after it's proposed? "The accelerated program."

* On Interstate 80 in Iowa, state troopers pulled over an out-of-state car with 55 pounds of marijuana inside. The last time Nebraska troopers pulled over an out-of-state vehicle with that little marijuana was 1991.

* Then Gov. Terry Branstad's SUV whizzed past at 130 mph, and everyone forgot about the marijuana.

* The Princeton Review has named the University of Iowa the nation's No. 1 party school. In a possibly related story, university officials announced the school's 2014 commencement speaker will be the Dos Equis guy.

* After the party school rankings were released, a group of Iowa alumni gathered to sing the school song which I believe ends in "... where everybody knows your name."

* President Obama spent Tuesday night in Los Angeles. Apparently he finally figured out it's simpler to go where the celebrities are rather than flying every celebrity in the country to the White House.

* Obama appeared on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" on Tuesday for the sixth time. Obama has been on the program so many times, instead of a guest, he's now more like Jay Leno's sidekick.

* On Tuesday in Phoenix, President Obama called for shutting down Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. A quick poll found that 60 percent of Americans incorrectly identified Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae as pseudonyms that Anthony Weiner and his cyber girlfriend used.

* The Republican National Committee has threatened CNN and NBC: Unless the networks cancel plans for documentaries about Hillary Clinton, the RNC won't allow them to air primary debates in 2016. You can see why the Republicans are upset. The CNN and NBC documentaries could possibly influence up to three viewers.

* Prince George is constantly surrounded by 50 armed guards. That's just to keep Barbara Walters and Diane Sawyer at bay.

* We won't see this again until Nick Saban runs on the field for Alabama's first game.

* Members of college fraternities were on Capitol Hill to discuss the very real problem of hazing. A group known for heavy drinking, sometimes boorish behavior and panty raids -- after seeing Congress, some of the frat guys didn't want to leave.

* Jay Z compared himself to President Obama. I think the major difference is Obama surrounds himself with more musicians and would have a more difficult time getting into Cuba.

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Welcome to the discussion.

Please keep it clean, turn off CAPS LOCK and don't threaten anyone. Be truthful, nice and proactive. And share with us - we love to hear eyewitness accounts.

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