Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

* * * * * * * * * *

Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* Early Thursday, there was a water main break at 10th and Pacific Streets. With the heat, instead of repairing it, we should just dump ice cubes into the water.

* The heat continues. Note to Omahans: At the end of this month, you'll be receiving a note in the mail appearing to show the city budget deficit. That is actually your air-conditioning bill.

* OPPD set up a hotline that Omahans can call if they can't pay their electric bill. I guess you call it and hear a recording of an OPPD executive laughing.

* Kiplinger named Omaha the No. 1 city for cheapskates. Thousands of Omahans are planning to read the article. At a public library, of course. What, you think we're gonna pay for it?

* To commemorate the honor, a ceremony will be held outside Dollar General.

* We're number one for cheapskates. Omaha has a plethora of wonderful restaurants. The problem? Finding someone willing to pick up a check.

* The Omaha City Council approved spending $250,000 for software to develop a 311 information hotline that ultimately could cost $1.2 million. It's for Omahans to call with questions. I think the first questions will be, “How can you justify spending $1.2 million on a hotline?”

* The 311 hotline is for Omahans who don't really know what's going on in town. Off the top of my head, I can think of two former mayors who could have benefited from this.

* Before she steps down, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has some advice for her successor: “You will need a large bottle of Advil.” Outgoing Omaha Fire Chief Mike McDonnell said: “Ditto for my successor.”

* McDonnell has been placed on administrative leave for now. That means he gets paid even though he does no work. It's the same arrangement the City Council has had for the past 40 years.

* A couple was married at the Stanton County, Neb., demolition derby. Ladies, this is what happens when you let the groom choose the venue.

* In Papillion-La Vista schools, a new app alerts parents when their kids' grades dip. I can just picture kids saying to their parent: “Mom, on second thought, I don't think you need a smartphone.”

* What we need is an app that alerts parents when their kids run on the field during the championship game of the College World Series.

* Thousands of fast-food workers went on strike Thursday, which means millions of Americans are experiencing Burrito Supreme withdrawal.

* President Obama may have changed his position on medical marijuana because Dr. Sanjay Gupta changed his position. Dr. Gupta may have swayed Obama. No word yet if Obama's waiting to see what Dr. Gupta has to say about White House foreign policy and the job-creation plan.

* Obama is waiting to hear from Dr. Drew to see if he needs to tweak the new education proposals.

* President Obama says before he finalizes Obamacare provisions, he's going to wait until the stars of “Grey's Anatomy” and the doctor from “The Love Boat” weigh in.

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

Recommended for you

(0) comments

Welcome to the discussion.

Please keep it clean, turn off CAPS LOCK and don't threaten anyone. Be truthful, nice and proactive. And share with us - we love to hear eyewitness accounts.

You must be a digital subscriber to view this article.