Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* The Huskers open their 2013 football season Saturday night against Wyoming. Even in Omaha, you can feel the electricity in the air. OPPD said: "Can we charge for that? Electricity in the air?"

* You know it's Nebraska when the big story is a starting kicker controversy.

* Husker fans heading to Lincoln from Omaha will encounter roadwork on Interstate 80. Every year, the trek from Omaha to Lincoln on Husker Saturdays resembles “The Amazing Race” just a little bit more.

* College football kicked off Thursday night. A quick note to wives in Nebraska: Many of you won't see your husband again until he emerges from the basement in mid-January with a beard to his waist, reeking of beer and potato chips.

* Happy Labor Day weekend. Labor Day is when we honor working men and women all striving to achieve the American Dream -- qualifying for a city of Omaha pension.

* AAA estimates that many Americans will travel hundreds of miles over Labor Day weekend. For Omahans, with all the road closures and detours, that's just to get out of town.

* Many Minneapolis schools were closed on Thursday and Friday due to temperatures in the 90s. Minneapolis is the only place where schools close when it gets up to 96, but when there's three feet of snow, officials go: "Close schools? Because of the Blizzard of 2012? Why?"

* Tropical Storm Juliette is slamming into several popular tourist resorts in Mexico. Each day, my plan to vacation at Lake Manawa is looking better.

* TGIF. To former Omaha Fire Chief Mike McDonnell, this may well stand for Thank Goodness I (Got) Fired.

* Kiplinger named Omaha the No. 1 city in the nation for cheapskates. Come Saturday, Memorial Stadium will be the fourth-biggest city in Nebraska; third is the Dollar Tree on North 90th Street.

* The first photos of Prince George were leaked on Twitter. That is so undignified. Instead, I prefer the American way of handling celebrity baby photos, where the parents auction them off to Globe magazine.

* Bruce Springsteen has joined Twitter. Sure, what better represents the angst of Americans and the end of the American dream more than the popularity of Twitter?

* Springsteen reportedly wants to raise the level of intellectual discourse on Twitter. Well, good luck with that.

* There is a popular online photo of a dog's butt that resembles a Teletubby. OK, Springsteen, see what you're up against?

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

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