Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here to read Brad's morning jokes.

* A militant Syrian group briefly took control of Twitter. I knew a militant Syrian group was in control when the tweets were less inflammatory than those of regular Twitter users.

* The militant Syrian group was in control of parts of The New York Times' website, The Huffington Post and Twitter. Just when the Syrian militants think they have the U.S. figured out, they stumble on Fake Bo Pelini.

* I thought I was watching an NFL wide receiver who just scored a touchdown perform a wild, taunting touchdown dance. It turns out it was actually Mayor Stothert when she heard the fire chief quit.

* It's hot all around the country. It's so hot, NFL players are getting arrested just so they're thrown in the cooler.

* Amanda Knox will not be returning to Italy for her retrial. Now HLN is asking the court's permission to send an Amanda Knox lookalike so they can air the court proceedings.

* Give them credit: Members of the U.S. Congress are keeping up with the latest trends. Members of Congress announced that after returning from recess, instead of debating meaningless bills that never pass, they will spend most of their time twerking.

* A new study finds babies can remember what they hear in the womb. If only we'd known this a couple days ago. Pregnant women would have held their hands over their stomachs when Miley Cyrus was singing at the VMAs.

* A six-year-old Florida boy was deemed too big to compete in a Pop Warner youth football league. Let's hope the biogenesis lab has nothing to do with this one.

* Breaking news: President Obama has vowed to continue acquiring new family dogs until the American people completely forget that his jobs plan doesn't seem to be working.

* Kelly Clarkson implied the performances at the MTV VMAs were embarrassing. That's a new low: when a veteran of “American Idol” open auditions implies you stink.

* Big changes are coming to the Pro Bowl. The rosters will be selected by team captains Deion Sanders and Jerry Rice. This sounds like a reality show Spike TV would air at midnight.

* There is online video of a Texas high school football player bench-pressing 700 pounds. Because it's Texas -- he's a kicker.

* Honda has created a new lawnmower that can travel up to 130 mph. That's when you know you take lawn care too seriously -- your mower could finish fourth at Talladega.

Also from Brad: One man's dog is another man's African lion

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