Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* The cost of car ownership in Nebraska is among the nation's steepest. Sure, you have insurance premiums, registration, hail-repair fees ... and don't forget the cost of a helicopter rental to airlift your vehicle out of the pothole it fell into.

* An area that includes downtown Omaha and three miles beyond lost nearly 12,000 jobs between 2000 and 2010. Obviously that's because former downtown employers want to be closer to the impound lots where their towed employees' cars end up.

* A judge has dismissed the firefighter union's lawsuit against the city of Omaha. As we went to press, it was unclear if this was due to legal precedent or the fact that Omaha doesn't have any money.

* Money Magazine has again selected Papillion as one of its Best Places to Live. And with the Husker frustrations of the past few years, we'll take our top 10 finishes where we can get 'em.

* The prime minister of Norway, Jens Stoltenberg, went undercover as a taxi driver to hear the concerns of voters. There's one thing stopping American politicians from doing this: a complete disinterest in the concerns of voters.

* The Obamas have a new puppy. She's spending her days lying in the sun, eating, sleeping and passing gas. This again emphasizes the fine line between being first dog and serving in the current Congress.

* The Obamas adopted a second Portuguese Water Dog. The Obamas were very smart to do this while Congress is on recess. That way tea party members can't criticize the president for not adopting an American Water Dog.

* President Obama kicked off a new bus tour Thursday that begins at SUNY Buffalo and ends at Lackawanna College in Scranton, Pa. The goal is obviously to reproduce the typical non-conference football schedule of a Big Ten football team.

* How many bus trips has Obama taken? The last time someone famous spent this much time on a bus, it was Ralph Kramden on “The Honeymooners,” and driving a bus was his job.

* The Republican Party is reportedly undergoing an image makeover. That seems a little drastic. Didn't the Republican Party just have an image makeover in 1897?

* Newt Gingrich is calling on the GOP to be more than just the “anti-Obama” party. Republicans said: “OK, you're right. Let it be known that we're also anti-Hillary.”

* Former Mass. U.S. Sen. Scott Brown stopped at the Iowa State Fair. This means one of two things: Either Brown is contemplating a run for the White House in 2016, or he had a craving for fried Oriole cookies on a stick so bad, it justified a 1,300-mile trip.

* President Obama told reporters his daughters are grounded in reality. Then, Obama had to rush home to pay his babysitters -- George Clooney and the ambassador to Norway.

* Anthony Weiner raised eyebrows by saying that too many “poor-people jobs” are being created. Anthony, to paraphrase the dean in “Animal House”: Kinky, selfish and insensitive is no way to go through life.

* The U.S. government has finally acknowledged there is an Area 51 in Nevada -- a top-secret place to which it's impossible to gain access. In Nebraska, we also have a place like that called “Husker football practice.”

* Edward Snowden says the media is being misled about his situation. A fickle world media responded “Edward who?” and then rushed off to cover an Adele baby shower.

* CNN anchor Isha Sesay married a fellow CNN staffer. It was a very small, very intimate ceremony. The couple just invited regular CNN prime-time viewers.

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