Britain Royal Wedding Prince Harry

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, pictured on Christmas Day 2017, have plenty of well-wishers in Nebraska and across the United States.

The Duchess is pregnant. Yeah, well, so was I.

The Duchess of Sussex is with child and the entire world seems to be jumping up and down and waving their proverbial homer hankies. All of humanity is freaking jazzed about this baby.

I get it. I really do. I was sucked into the Meghan and Harry wedding vortex like everyone else, so of course I’m happy for them that there’s a royal bun in the kingdom oven.

But come on.

I’ve announced five pregnancies to date, and I’ve yet to get more than a “Cool,” “Congrats” or “Did you guys plan this one?”

Totally unfair.

It’s only a matter of time before we start getting up-to-the-minute alerts whenever dresses are worn that show off Meghan’s burgeoning belly. When I was pregnant, though, the only things I heard were, “Wow, you’re huge!” or “You haven’t had that thing yet?”

If she’s anything like other royals in recent history, the duchess will likely explode into a massive size five by the end of her third trimester with nary a cankle or swollen man-hand in sight.

Which is just wrong, right? It’s wrong for someone to take to pregnancy so perfectly when the rest of us just morph into inflated, exhausted versions of our former selves for nine long months.

Take Princess Kate, for example. As charming as she might be, that woman botched the whole nine months of each of her pregnancies. It sounds harsh, I know, but pregnancy is when you’re supposed to eat as much as you want, whenever you want and of whatever food you want. How could she not know that?

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that babies are built upon a foundation of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, double orders of French fries, cherry-flavored Tums and bottomless plates of spaghetti. This fact somehow seems to get lost in the aristocratic translation, though; it’s like the royals didn’t get the memo or something.

I mean, Princess Kate called herself pregnant, yet in the same breath she consumed small-portioned meals and also exercised on the daily. What could she have possibly been thinking?

She undertook the monumental task of percolating a future world leader within the confines of her body, yet she didn’t even think to consider the importance of 10 p.m. second dinners? I mean, how did she expect to build a solid hunk of kingly baby without bonus suppers?

I can’t even.

Thankfully, the princess delivered healthy, beautiful babes in spite of her food laziness.

But I’m hoping for more from the duchess. Our All-American Meghan Markle needs to step up her soon-to-be-mom game and strap on the feedbag, just like all of us super dope mommies who came before her.

First, she should probably ease up on the exercise, gradually decreasing her exertion levels until she is rendered sloth-like. There is nothing wrong with an expectant mother — royal or not — just pointing toward the refrigerator and grunting while she lies on the couch watching "The Price is Right."

Harry seems like a most agreeable lad. He’ll be happy to fetch whatever snack his beautiful, absolutely sedentary bride is wordlessly requesting.

Next, she should tweak her diet to a ratio of like 90 percent simple carbs and 10 percent red meat. Sure, she’ll probably hate the way she looks, but girl, join the club.

She can repeat the mantra I used so many times — whether I was finishing off a quart of ice cream or going back for my fifth piece of pizza. And that is: It’s all for the good of the baby.

Yes, it’s all for the good of the baby. Mm — that’s yummy — it’s all for the good of the baby.

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Lynn Kirkle is a writer and lives in Omaha with her husband and five children. She writes twice a month for momaha.com, and can be found on Twitter @LAPainter.

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