"As a mom of five, with kids ranging in age from 3 to 23, the lines between one kid to the next have blurred. I’ve lost all points of reference, especially in regards to when specific behaviors of mine should subside."
My kid lives a happy-go-lucky, stress-free existence. Perhaps I should adopt some of her behaviors.
How many items can your toddler check off this hilarious and oh-so-true bucket list?
Three-year-old's swim lessons are filled with vehement "nos" and plenty of running away from the instructor — much to mom's chagrin.
"My favorite part of these stories are the cameos. Kate always requests tales about her siblings and people she knows — grandparents, Target checkers, teachers and classmates. And, more often than not — as per her request — they are turned into animals by scary witches."
"I swear these kiddos accidentally drink out of each other’s water bottles all the time, even though they’re well aware of which Disney character is on their own cup," wrote Omaha mom Lynn Kirkle. "If this happened at my place of employment, and I accidentally sipped out of a heavy equipment mechanic’s water bottle every day even after he told me it was his each and every day, I’m fairly certain I would get to have a nice visit with one of delightful HR representatives."
"I have a vague recollection of Pull-ups and some of the assorted potty seats that have resided within our home, but that is all. Any notion of how to successfully potty train a toddler has left my consciousness."
My coffee habit is bad. So bad, in fact, that I don’t even have to order my drink anymore. I simply show up and the delightful baristas know exactly what I want.
"My kid is enamored by everything all of a sudden. She’s like a peewee-sized version of Will Ferrell’s character in the movie “Elf.” She has questions and comments for every little thing — from why the car stops at a red light to the reason why the bird in our tree sits there by himself instead of at home with his family. It’s an amazing thing to witness, this awe of the mundane."
"My goal was to stay up as late as possible — all night, even — to relish every single uninterrupted moment I had. I was going to write a book, read a book, color my roots and paint my toenails. And that's just for starters. It was to be 'Night of 1,000 Tasks.'"
"My 2-year-old is a sweet, funny and thoughtful little ray of sunshine. She is also an irrational, emotional and stubborn hurricane of superhuman strength and wildly-inconsistent reactions."
"I guess I’m not really in a hurry to teach him to drive because I know he’ll eventually use that skill to drive away from me."
I think my 2-year-old has it out for me.
"I’m always in awe of the way our senses can take us right back to a particular moment in time. A smell, a song or even a line in a movie can send us straight there. It’s a blessing and a curse, I suppose."
"I watch a fair amount of kid television, so I get to see all the commercials for things like candy, juice, cereal and toys. I’m on autopilot for most of the commercials, but there are two that get my full attention whenever they come on. They are both for games, and every time I see them I’m filled with a mix of awe, horror, amusement and utter disbelief."
From the captain's log of one mom's late night adventure in parenthood: "11:45 p.m.: Carried soiled bedding downstairs. The expelled food bits from toddler’s digestive system were exceedingly chunky, requiring me to go outdoors to shake and scrub the contaminated items. I really hate the smell of vomit, but managed to keep my screams and gags to a minimum while ridding the linens of solid waste via violent pounding upon the deck railing. The temperature hovered around zero."
"It’s recently come to my attention that throughout the madness and mayhem of my life as a mom, you’ve always been there in the background...like a hyper-caffeinated, overpriced photo-bomber."
Moms, would you ask this of your husbands? Dads, would you do this for your wives?
"I’m fairly certain if you threw an audio recorder in my house on the days where it’s just me and the toddler at home, it would be tough to distinguish whether I was talking to a dog or a human 2-year-old."
Every month, 900 individuals are sold for sex, often multiple times, in Nebraska. Additionally, in Nebraska, 11 percent of those being sold for sex online are advertised under the age of 21.
"The other day, though, when my toddler was having a meltdown in the checkout lane and a very sweet woman said, 'Poor baby. Shopping isn’t fun, is it?,' I felt that statement. That’s not fair," wrote Omaha mom Lynn Kirkle. "I didn’t feel like shopping either, but if I started whining and making grunting noises at other shoppers who dared to look in my direction, would anyone take pity on me? Of course not."
"Every once in a while, something happens that jolts a parent back into the grown-up world. Recently, for me, it was the sound of my own voice saying something bonked-out ridiculous," wrote one Omaha mom. "I believe my exact words were, 'Kate, please get the dinosaur off your hamburger.'”
"Yes, I have clocked approximately 3.74 quadrillion hours in the process of shuttling kids to and from school."
"So many resolutions are unreachable, especially if you’re an underachiever like me. So this year, I’ve decided to offset the lists created by good, organized parenting experts with my own list of very, very realistic resolutions."
"What began as a last-minute decision to take a kindergartner to her first ballet has transformed into one of my absolute favorite holiday traditions."
"It’s funny, though, the trickle-down holiday information she processes and then regurgitates. She takes a little from here, a little from there, then mixes it all together to create a half-correct, half-bonked-out version of the traditional folklore we know and love."
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Momaha Magazine is our monthly celebration of all the things you love about parenting. We're all about saving time, taming the chaos, getting creative and tackling dilemmas.