The Sassy Housewife is a weekly Saturday advice column on Momaha.com by Danielle Herzog, a married mother of two. She’ll cover adventures in housewifery — parenting, entertaining and the interests of a been-there-done-that and somewhat-know-it-all wife.

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Dear Sassy Housewife,

I’m way too embarrassed to talk to my girlfriends about this so that’s why I’m writing you. I’m completely grossed out and don’t know what to do. I caught my husband looking at porn online. I came home early from work and he was in his office watching a video on his computer of two women having sex. He said it was just some spam that came up but after he went to bed that night, I went on his computer and saw that he had a few sites in his browsing history that are porn-related. I haven’t been able to talk to him about it. I am hurt, upset, and most of all confused as to why he was looking at that stuff. What should I do?

Signed,

Perplexed in Porn-land

Dear Perplexed,

I remember when I saw my first porn. I was in high school and some guy friends thought it would be funny to have us girls all over and watch a movie – except the movie wasn’t Edward Scissorhands, it was actually Edward Penishands. Yes, I kid you not, there is actually a porno with that name. After the first scene, I ran out of the house squealing like a pig while my friends laughed at my innocence.

I’ve never forgotten that moment and I seriously can’t look at porn the same way again without giggling uncontrollably. However, I do know that porn isn’t always a laughing matter.

Before you go assuming your husband is some perverted sex addict, go talk to him. Tell him that you saw what happened and that you want to find out more about his feelings. Don’t accuse him of anything or tell him that you are hurt right away – let him explain. Did someone send him the site as a joke? I have yet to meet a man who hasn’t seen a porn of two women together, and I can easily imagine some idiot guy friend finding one of two hot chicks to send to his buddy.

But if it is something he searched out to watch, find out why.

Don’t always associate porn with his unhappiness in the marriage – that’s not always the case. There are men who enjoy porn because it’s a way to get out fantasies they can’t act out in their real life. You need to find out why he’s watching before you can really address it.

I can’t tell you what his reason will be but I can tell you that it’s up to you to decide if you feel comfortable with it. If you don’t then you too need to be honest about it. Why are you uncomfortable? Are you feeling like he is cheating? Are you feeling inadequate? Those are the feelings you need to share with him because he might not be recognizing any of those in his actions.

And at the end of the day, if he still wants to watch porn and you aren’t comfortable with it, seems like you have two choices. Start watching it with him and try not to giggle like I did or go talk to a marriage counselor together about it. If porn is more important to him than you are, I think you’ve got a bigger issue on your hands than just being grossed out.

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Have a question for the Sassy Housewife? Email momaha@owh.com.

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Please keep it clean, turn off CAPS LOCK and don't threaten anyone. Be truthful, nice and proactive. And share with us - we love to hear eyewitness accounts.

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