My fellow Nebraskans, I’ve got some good news and some, well, unfortunate news. Embarrassing, you might say. And it has nothing to do with football.

This news is based on that source of gospel truth: national rankings.

Within a 24-hour period, two list outfits — WalletHub and Big 7 Travel — ranked us, the stalwart Cornhusker State, No. 9 and No. Dead Last in categories of happiness and sexiness, respectively. Takeaways: We’re happy! Ish. (Ninth place is not first, but out of 50, it’s respectable).

But we’re not sexy! Not in the least! Not even remotely desirable! And way, way, less attractive than Iowa (No. 23 on the sexy-meter but No. 11 on the happy one).

This means we’ve got rock-solid self-esteem: We’re Nebraska and not the least bit attractive to outsiders. But hey, we’re not depressed about it.

We Americans are People of the List. That’s either because of our collective short attention span, or the fact that lists are just fun. Top 10 this. Bottom 10 that. And in the era where we measure worth by likes and clicks, why wouldn’t we pin down exactly where some attribute of ours, derived scientifically or by Internet voodoo, puts us on the map? Data-driven, amirite? Can I get an amen on clickbait?

But more about us. Nebraska is, unofficially, the Good Life State. That is why a No. 9 ranking on a happiness scale developed by WalletHub makes so much sense. Nebraska is not the Great Life State or the Best Life out of 50 States. Good Life means good-enough. Which is Top 10 in my book any day.

We in Nebraska are not the happiest, a distinction that goes to Hawaii because, duh. Unhappiest on the WalletHub scale, released Monday, is West Virginia. “Almost heaven,” sang John Denver about the Mountain State, but no one polled him.

WalletHub says its rankings came from 31 metrics that place value not on sandy beaches or John Denver songs but on actual measures like rates of long-term unemployment (Nebraska, fourth-best), volunteerism (Nebraska, sixth-best) and separation and divorce rate (Nebraska, sixth-best, meaning lowest). Another ranking is how much sleep people get a night.

Football notwithstanding, Nebraskans by and large are getting enough Z’s. Hawaii, on the other hand, recorded the least amount of adequate sleep. But sleeping would be a waste of time in paradise.

We Nebraskans are proud of our good life, and we know it’s not for everyone. But not for anyone seems a little harsh.

“Sorry!” said the press release from a group called Big 7 Travel that put Nebraska in the unenviable ranking of 50th. Out of 50 states.

Fortunately, this sexy ranking is not based on anything concrete (obvs). But it is based on perception (yikes). Big 7 Travel, a subset of Big 7 Media, describes itself on its website as a “mobile-first, millennial audience” kind of outfit that creates “original content” for travel, food and hotels. It conducted this oh-so-scientific ranking by polling some of its 1.5 million audience members.

The timing of this particular ranking should be noted. Members were asked in the unsexy month of December, when Nebraska puts on all its clothes and sits under blankets with no makeup and sneezes.

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It should be noted that Big 7 purposefully left out any definition of “sexy,” letting people draw their own conclusions. Points were not given for having a good personality.

Another flaw? The sexiest award went to ... Illinois. The Land of Lincoln has never been accused of being a hotbed of attraction. It’s just like Nebraska but with a bigger lake, an American Girl doll store and worse weather. OK, Chicago, my kind of town and city of big shoulders. But still. No. 1?

The four Most Sexy runners-up make sense: Colorado (2), Florida (3), California (4) and Hawaii (5). But there are some head-scratchers in the Top 10 like Pennsylvania and Massachusetts.

The runner-up for Least Sexy State in the Union was Alaska.

When the survey news hit Monday, one World-Herald editor astutely pointed out some psychology: The first (happiness) is based somewhat on how we see ourselves. The second (sexiness) is how others see us.

And again, in fairness to us, this is coming from a group that has a travel category of “Instagrammable Spots.” The message is pretty clear: It’s not WHERE you go that matters; it’s how good your destination looks on social media. And again, in fairness to us, Illinois???

Numbers, whether derived from real science or based on opinion, only tell us so much, of course.

Can you really put a figure on matters of the heart?

Take Nebraska football, which was not a consideration in either the happiness or sexiness measures. For better or for worse.

To start the season, the Huskers made an important ranking in college football, the Associated Press Top 25. But after Saturday’s loss to Colorado, they fell off the list. The team, right now, is unranked.

But ask any die-hard Nebraska fan if that really matters. To those happy, unsexy fans, Nebraska is always perpetually ranked No. 1.

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