brad_dickson

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/brad and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here to read his morning jokes.

*The Boat Sports and Travel Show is about to begin at the Omaha CenturyLink Center. If you've never been, picture a giant Cabela's.

* A lane of Ames Avenue near 56th Street is closed for five days for "utility work." Do you suppose that Omaha traffic engineers high five-each other after thinking up a new excuse to close a street?

* "They're not buying that fiber optics crap anymore."

* You know what you call two tin cups connected by a string? "Omaha 911 call center technology."

* You know how the Daytona 500 differs from Omaha's morning rush hour? There's less tailgating at the Daytona 500.

* Competitors in the Omaha Trek Up the Tower ascended to the top of a very tall building. The Peregrine falcons: "Posers!"

* Jeb Bush has suspended his campaign for president. According to experts, the Bush campaign went bad right about the time he uttered, "I am formally declaring that I am a candidate for president of the United States."

* In Nevada, a group formed called Hookers for Hillary. This could tilt exit polls. A guy leaving a brothel: "Who did I vote for? None of your business. Get that camera off me."

* Today is National Margarita Day. If you skipped observing Presidents Day and Valentines Day to wait for Margarita Day, your true colors are showing.

* Saturday was "Love Your Pet Day." Or as cats call it, "We've Got These Humans Wrapped Around Our Fingers Day."

* Cats think every day is National Cat Day.

* The Nebraska men's basketball team suffered a painful overtime loss to Ohio State. It seems to me the Huskers need to petition the NCAA so that moral victories count for RPI points.

* The Daytona 500 pole-sitter was Chase Elliott, who is only 20. Here's the most amazing thing: He qualified on a hoverboard.

* Steph Curry said he wants to play in the NBA for 20 years. That sounds conservative. I could see an 80-year-old Curry using a walker and averaging 15 points a game.

* Shaquille O’Neal is getting his own statue outside Staples Center. I’m trying to confirm the Shaq statue will be mooning the Kobe Bryant statue.

* A Chicago Bears fan used her obituary to mock Jay Cutler. That has to be tough, when fans are hating on you posthumously.

* Beer and wine will be sold at the TD Ameritrade Park concessions during the 2016 College World Series. Wine sommeliers, what kind goes best with a 2-pound cheese-covered chili dog and a giant pretzel?

* A Masters golf tournament jacket from the 1960s has been found in a thrift store. It was hard to detect with the other two dozen green sport coats inside the thrift store that are not from the Masters.

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