brad_dickson

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/brad and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here to read his morning jokes.

* The Omaha forecast calls for a "warm-up heading into the weekend." In Nebraska in February I'm used to forecasts like, "Freezing rain on Saturday should move out in time for Sunday's blizzard."

* I don't speak "bird," but if I did I'd warn the ones returning to Omaha after wintering down south that they're probably a wee bit early.

* The Nebraska Legislature is considering a bill allowing the use of medical marijuana. It is being pushed by State Sen. Tommy "Chong" Garrett.

* Omaha Beer Week is not to be confused with Bong Month in Colorado.

* Donald Trump said that Jeb Bush wouldn't take his call after Bush suspended his campaign. Sure, that's because the last 10 times Trump called he asked if Bush's refrigerator was running.

* Trump has now won three primaries or caucuses in a row. I'm just glad he's not the type to get an inflated ego.

* There was big confusion at the Nevada caucuses. Nevada is now answering to the nickname "Iowa of the West."

* Nevada has the only state caucuses featuring slot machines in the voting booths.

* The Florida winners of the Powerball lottery jackpot said they plan to begin spending their $327.8 million on a new car and a massage. Okay, I sense trouble with these two.

* There's a TV show on the making of the 2016 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Are there a lot of people going, "A photograph of a woman in a bathing suit on a beach? How in the world did they do that?"

* Tim Miles has been whistled for technical fouls in three of the last six Husker games. What if it turns out Bo Pelini was the mellow one?

* The History Channel is helping solve the escape from Alcatraz. That is, if it has time between airing game shows and dance-offs. Not always history on there anymore.

* A goat in India faces a possible seven years in jail for eating his neighbor’s grass. This still sounds better than the U.S. judicial system.

* A goat faces a possible seven years in jail. And it’s nice to see Judge Judy is still working.

* People Magazine has named the “Sexiest Dad Alive.” I know who did not win. All the dads on TV commercials. These schlubs can’t screw in a light bulb, change a tire, do laundry, cook a TV dinner, do their taxes ...

* Nebraska has been playing intercollegiate football for over 125 years. That may not seem real impressive in the Big Ten, a league featuring rivalry trophies dating back to Plymouth Rock.

* The University of Michigan is planning to open spring practice in Florida. With all these novel ideas, Michigan would’ve been a great USFL team.

* Former NFL receiver Chad Johnson claims he soaked his sprained ankles in other people’s urine. Yeah, I remember when I had an HMO.

* Johnson said he soaked his ankles in a teammate’s urine. Call me old-school purist, but I think the only time a player should borrow a teammate’s urine is when he needs it to pass a drug test.

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