brad_dickson

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/brad and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes.

* On Friday afternoon, Omaha Mayor Jean Stothert delivered her State of the City address. Now in rebuttal to every single thing she said is today’s column.

* In her State of the City speech, Stothert described Omaha as “one of the most productive, livable and creative cities in the country.” Then she turned around and fell into a 4-foot pothole.

* Feb. 29 is the most common deadline Omaha traffic engineers set for the completion of road work. “You haven’t finished resurfacing my street.” “Dude, we said Feb. 29. That’s years from now.”

* Warren Buffett released his annual shareholders letter online. Sure, as wealthy as he is, Buffett can no longer afford the price of a first-class stamp.

* After what seems like about eight months, Omaha Beer Week has ended.

* The Dundee Theater will reportedly reopen by 2018. Thank goodness. Now Omahans will once again be able to see movies that they’ve never heard of.

* Now Omahans will once again be able to sit through three-hour films about the Lithuanian nutmeg shortage of 1962.

* The Dundee Theater will be bringing in quality independent movies from all over the world. This is no longer necessary. The theater business has changed. All moviegoers crave now are really comfortable recliner seats.

* You could put on a puppet show in the theater and if there are comfy recliners to sit on, Omahans will be lining up for blocks.

* Nebraska State Sen. Ernie Chambers and Omaha police leaders agree on an issue. This occurs half as often as Halley’s Comet comes around.

* A drunken man was ticketed on suspicion of trespassing after recently showing up at a stranger’s house at 5 a.m. and saying he had a ticket to the UNO hockey game. This was still better for the homeowner than if a Girl Scout on a cookie drive had rang the doorbell.

* I learned something over the weekend. If the maitre d' at Fleming’s asks if you’re celebrating anything special and you say “The invention of the mulch rake,” it doesn’t get you a very good table.

* Next time I’ll go with “National Lint Day.”

* The Omaha City Council approved spending $550,000 on an anti-truancy project. What a waste of money. Who’s going to be truant once sex ed is taught?

* A 16-year-old Papillion-La Vista student set a world record for “Fastest Time to Solve a Rubik’s Cube while Holding a Baby” - 39.28 seconds. Well, if this doesn’t put Nebraska on the map ...

* How about that Democratic National Convention over the weekend? It was full of liberal speeches and anti-Trump rhetoric, Joe Biden got a standing ovation – wait, that was actually the Academy Awards ceremony.

* The Academy Awards are when we honor the beautiful people with amazing genes and tremendous connections for their “hard work.”

* I read that “history is on Donald Trump’s side.” Sure, every single time a reality show contestant had led the race at this stage he’s gone on to win.

* Bernie Sanders' old arrest video has surfaced. Let me define what’s meant by “surfaced.” After two years of 45 Clinton aides and volunteers digging through millions of archived items around the clock, it was stumbled upon.

* Hillary Clinton recently spoke of the love of her life. It’s unclear if she was referencing Bill or Wall Street.

* A dad filmed his Las Vegas dream vacation on a Go Pro but accidentally had it in selfie mode the entire time. This is a move by a dad so dumb it could be a TV commercial.

* Then Mom, the kids and the family dog come to the rescue and show Dad how stupid and incompetent he is. It is definitely a television commercial.

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