brad_dickson

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/brad and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here to read his morning jokes.

* Because of the snowstorm on Tuesday, nonessential personnel didn't have to report to Omaha City Hall. Which meant all of our City Council members got to sleep in.

* Most Omaha schools canceled classes again on Wednesday. It's amazing that 5 inches of snow today causes more havoc than 14 inches used to cause.

* According to an Atlas Van Lines survey, Nebraska ranks 16th on the list of states the most people are fleeing from. As they leave, many Omahans are heard yelling, "You'll never teach sex ed to my kid, OPS!"

* If the results of the Iowa caucuses get any more controversial, Al Gore will be announced as the winner.

* It's reported that Hillary Clinton won at least six delegates in Iowa by coin flips. Coin flips? Are we electing a president or choosing a Big 12 football champion?

* Residents of several Iowa counties reported seeing a strange blur in the sky. I believe that was Demi Lovato hightailing it out of town now that the caucuses are over.

* The FX network has begun airing a mini-series about the O.J. Simpson case. I'm not sure what genre this movie is, but we can rule out a whodunnit.

* Wednesday is national signing day. Or, as I prefer to call it, "Proof The Fax Machine Is Not Quite Dead Yet Day."

* The Husker football team got a commitment from Lamar Jackson, a four-star California safety who attended Nebraska's 39-38 win over Michigan State. "Yep, all our games this season went that well."

* A California four-star safety agreed to come to Nebraska during the middle of our blizzard on Tuesday. This is probably Mike Riley's greatest accomplishment.

* The key to landing this kid? Keeping him away from the Weather Channel. "Hey, isn't that Jim Cantore on campus?" "No. It's someone who looks like him."

* In an annual tradition, Super Bowl week officially kicks off when the first player is caught in a prostitution sting.

* Some robbers dressed in “panda onesies” robbed a store in London. After they’re caught, I say sentence them to 15 years in a zoo.

* Science has proven that dogs frequently resemble their owners. This is why dogs are so popular. They’re like four-legged, tail-wagging selfies.

* Football season is officially over. Good thing we have basketball or we’d have to actually start spending time with the family.

* The big football story in most of the nation: The Super Bowl field is almost here. The big football story in Nebraska: Keyshawn Johnson Jr. tweeted a photo of himself smiling during a recruiting trip to Lincoln.

* Detroit Lions star Calvin Johnson abruptly retired at age 30. I’m going to guess he recently saw the movie “Concussion.”

* Russell Westbrook has an apparently real feud with Denver Nuggets mascot Rocky. As NBA rivalries go, this pales slightly compared to Wilt Chamberlain-Bill Russell.

* There is online video of Rasheed Wallace sinking two simultaneous shots with two balls, one in each hand. This clears the way for the NBA’s introduction of the six-point shot.

* The Sacramento Kings put a dog in charge of their social media accounts for one night. The dog was in heat and said she’d rather be on Tinder.

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