brad_dickson

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/brad and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes.

* A new baby penguin has gone on display at the Henry Doorly Zoo. The zoo’s 3-inch Albanian albino shrew: “Oh, great. What hope is there of anyone coming to see me now?”

* Donald Trump has been taking shots at the Ricketts family. I think it’s clear Trump is just jealous because Gov. Pete Ricketts’ plane cost more than Trump’s.

* The Omaha City Council voted to kill the agreement to purchase three century-old downtown buildings. Then it voted to close the barn door now that the horse had already escaped.

* State Sen. Ernie Chambers and Omaha Police Chief Todd Schmaderer agree on a bill that would shine a light on grand jury investigations. This reminds me of one of those stories about, say, a bunny and a lion that become best friends.

* The second half of the Nebraska Legislature session includes over 100 priority measures. If you follow the Legislature you know that when we look up at the end of the session, the only thing that will have passed is a bill calling for a squirrel curfew in state parks.

*I read that Lincoln has a huge pothole problem. I am so sick of Lincoln trying to be Omaha.

* Cardless ATMs are coming. Instead of cardless ATMs, we should be making it more difficult for people to use ATMs. We should put barbwire and grizzly bears in front of ATMs.

* It was announced that Flo Rida and Paul Simon are going to be performing in eastern Nebraska. I’m assuming not together?

* An Omaha family won “Family Feud” and then showed host Steve Harvey how to “step.” Now if someone can just show him how to read a cue card at a beauty pageant.

* A medical marijuana bill has advanced in the Iowa Legislature, with suggested changes. One change calls for the creation of an “ethanol-powered bong.”

* Bernie Sanders said he wants Donald Trump to win the GOP nomination. OK, Trump just got the endorsement of a second prominent politician.

* On “Face the Nation,” Sen. Marco Rubio criticized Donald Trump for a lack of specifics on policy. Trump countered by mentioning his “Do something good for somebody at some point” plan.

* Hillary Clinton recently accused the GOP of fear mongering. Then she reminded everybody that if one more of her emails is made public, the Earth will explode.

* A 69-year-old civil servant in Spain was fined after not showing up for work for six years. He did not show up for work for six years and no one noticed. This sounds like my dream job.

* I missed my calling. First thing Monday I go into training to be a civil servant in Spain.

* A civil servant in Spain did not show up for work for six years and nobody noticed. “Signs you are not integral to your employer’s success.”

* There is online video of a baby sneezing spaghetti out his nose. If this gets more than 5 million views, I’m selling my computer.

* There is now a dress made entirely out of bubble wrap. If only there was another positive use for bubble wrap ... nope, I can’t think of one.

* The UNO hockey team has been struggling at home. The most frustrating thing is when the Mavericks fail to score on a power play because the guy with the puck is hit in the head with an errant taco fired from a cannon.

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Please keep it clean, turn off CAPS LOCK and don't threaten anyone. Be truthful, nice and proactive. And share with us - we love to hear eyewitness accounts.

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