brad_dickson

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/brad and follow him on Twitter.

* * * * *

Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes.

* Punxsutawney Phil forecast an early spring. If it doesn’t come to fruition, I only hope we don’t lose confidence in the weather-predicting skills of a rodent.

*It is reported that Americans will eat 1.3 billion wings during Super Bowl 50. Yet Omaha can’t accurately predict within 10 inches how much snow we’ll get?

* The definition of a snow day in Omaha: When it’s too dangerous for kids to go to school so they spend all day sledding down the middle of the street.

* I saw some amazing footage of the Arctic Circle – no, wait, that was downtown Grand Island.

* A couple of Husker assistant football coaches are receiving large raises. So the Douglas County Board of Commissioners isn’t the only group with a losing record to be rewarded.

* At least two Husker coaches are getting pay raises. I’m just glad the team didn’t finish 6-7.

* A bill before the Nebraska Legislature would allow voters to snap and share “ballot selfies.” I’m just glad that silly property tax relief has been put on the back burner so we can debate taking selfies of your ballot.

* If you’re looking for a way to get more young people to the polls, this is ingenious.

* I do picture our founding fathers spinning in their graves right now after hearing a debate over “ballot selfies.”

* Nebraska State Sen. Tyson Larson introduced a proposal to allow people as young as 18 to hold office in Nebraska. It should be 16. Sure, driving a car is 10 times tougher than serving in the Legislature.

* The six elephants coming to the Omaha zoo are flying here on a jet plane. “OK, who wants to tell the pachyderms there’s no food on the flight?”

* I just hope the airline doesn’t lose their trunks.

* The World-Herald profiled a local knitting group called the “Happy Hookers.” It’s composed of about 15 ladies who gather once a week to knit. They always have lots of fun except for those two raids by the vice squad.

* Iowa U.S. Sen. Joni Ernst has retired after 23 years in the Army National Guard. Ironically, she saw more combat her first week in Congress.

* It’s reported that Hillary Clinton won six out of six coin flips for delegates in Iowa. Fortunately she had her lucky two-headed coin on her from her old Chicago politics days.

* Donald Trump is calling for a do-over in the Iowa caucuses. Jamie Lee Curtis, Demi Lovato and 100 other celebrities: “Oh, no, you don’t. We’re not going back to Ankeny.”

* Dr. Ben Carson has dropped out of the race – no, wait, that’s not true. I got that topic from Ted Cruz.

* It is reported that Marco Rubio was arrested in 1990 for being in a public park after it was closed. I feel that CNN is off-base in referring to this as “Watergate II.”

* This just in: Donald Trump is now feuding with the entire state of Iowa.

* CNN.com had an article titled: “The Iowa Caucuses Explained.” Compared to this, explaining cold fusion should be a piece of cake.

* Andre Agassi revealed he played much of his entire career sans underwear. No underwear and a sport where the winner often leaps over the net is not a good combination.

Commenting is limited to Omaha World-Herald subscribers. To sign up, click here.

If you're already a subscriber and need to activate your access or log in, click here.

(0) comments

Welcome to the discussion.

Please keep it clean, turn off CAPS LOCK and don't threaten anyone. Be truthful, nice and proactive. And share with us - we love to hear eyewitness accounts.

You must be a digital subscriber to view this article.