brad_dickson

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/brad and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes.

* Omaha is expecting a high temperature around 65 degrees Thursday. Things people new to Omaha say, part XII: “I am so glad that winter is officially over.”

* Temperatures in the 60s. OK, who wants to warn the birds returning from the South that this is basically a weather head fake?

* Omaha Performing Arts backed out of the deal for the City of Omaha to acquire three century-old buildings after OPA leaders listened to public criticism. Despite the similarity in acronyms, no one will ever mistake OPA for OPS.

* There are currently three petitions circulating related to expanding gambling in Nebraska. Half the people signing think they’re voting to bring back or end the death penalty.

* To give you an idea how many petitions we have, I just signed a petition calling for more petitions.

* According to the Omaha Police Department, crime is down in Omaha. All together now, Omahans: “You coulda fooled me!”

* I’m not sure why crime is down in Omaha, but we can rule out all those witnesses rushing forward to testify.

* There was less crime in Omaha in 2015 than in 2014. That’s only partly because in 2014 there was a crime every 1.8 seconds.

* According to a study, U.S. Rep. Brad Ashford is among those in the House most likely to vote against his own party. That’s mostly because Ashford often forgets which party he’s in that week.

* According to a UNL study, the average student checks his or her digital devices during class 11 times per day. But this is only to keep up with the UNL tuition increases.

* Omaha Beer Week begins Feb. 19. This should be moved up a week so men have something to do on Valentine’s Day.

* Isn’t every week in Omaha Beer Week?

* To participate in many Beer Week functions, you needed to register by Feb. 12. You see the importance we place on beer; I don’t think you have to register that far in advance to vote.

* The winner of Best in Show at the 2016 Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is CJ the German shorthaired pointer. Donald Trump called for disqualifying CJ because he may not have been born in the U.S.

* These dogs get smarter every year. This time the competition included a geography bee.

* I had a dream the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show was held in Iowa. “OK, all those voting for the schnauzer, walk into the family room.”

* Jimmy Carter recently said if he had to choose, he’d take Donald Trump over Ted Cruz. For Carter. this was basically like deciding whether he’d rather be waterboarded or jump out of a plane without a parachute.

* I was watching a basketball game where all kinds of free stuff was thrown to the crowd. It was the same basic premise as the Bernie Sanders campaign.

* George W. Bush has begun campaigning for his brother Jeb. I’m pretty sure that at this point George Washington and Abraham Lincoln couldn’t revive the Jeb Bush campaign.

* The NBA champion Golden State Warriors visited the White House. If you don’t think President Obama was more excited to meet Steph Curry than he was to meet Angela Merkel, you haven’t been paying attention.

* Obama left the team that had the longest winning streak to visit the group with the longest losing streak: Congress.

* Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson airport recently welcomed its 100 millionth passenger. I’m pretty sure 30 million of those people got off the same Southwest flight.

* The 100 millionth passenger received a prize – a new Nissan Altima. Sure, they realize that anybody who passed through Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson airport is never flying again.

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