brad_dickson

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/brad and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes.

* I have never been so depressed on Presidents Day. The current crop of presidential candidates looks lame enough without comparing them to George Washington and Abraham Lincoln.

* Today is Presidents Day. Legend has it Abraham Lincoln once walked 6 miles to borrow a book. Kids, books were something people read before Snapchat.

* George Washington could not tell a lie. That means if he were involved in politics today, he’d never get past the primaries.

* It is Feb. 15. With the road closures and detours, this is the day men in Omaha are traditionally expected to return home with a Valentine’s gift.

* In Omaha, four horses got loose from their coral and ran through the busy intersection of 180th and Center. Commuting in Omaha! One day you can’t drive up Dodge Street because it’s closed due to 3 inches of snow, the next you’re caught in a horse stampede.

* Fortunately, all four horses were able to be herded into a nearby pothole.

* According to a rating system, Omaha has had a mild winter. What rating system is this? One that compares Omaha to the Arctic tundra?

* The Nebraska Legislature decided not to allow 16-year-olds to serve alcohol. After hearing this, the entire state released a collective “Whew!”

* In the Nebraska property tax relief battle, it’s the farmers vs. the teachers. May I be the first to propose a tug of war?

* At a legislative hearing, those against Gov. Pete Ricketts’ property tax relief plan outnumbered those in favor. Has anyone suggested this may be because people are 1,000 times inclined to turn out to protest something they don’t like? I’m throwing that out there.

* Once again, there are tons of special interest groups opposing Gov. Ricketts’ property tax relief proposal. The latest is “Guys Named Larry.”

* Then there’s the “Coalition of Shriners Born in McCook.” They oppose it.

* We’ve just begun pothole season in Omaha. You know when you drove into that gigantic hole that was basically a mini Grand Canyon and ruined your suspension? That was just a preview.

* For the first time since 2007, there has been an increase in passengers at Eppley Airfield two years in a row. I’m not sure why more people are at Eppley, but we can rule out all those bargains at the gift shop.

* The Lincoln Airport reports a 13 percent increase in passengers. Which means about 13 people passed through last year.

* The World-Herald had a profile of NU wrestler Aaron Studebaker. I saw “Studebaker” in the headline and assumed as part of our Cuban series we were doing a feature on driving in Havana.

* During the Democratic presidential debate, Hillary Clinton said: “We are not England. We are not France.” Bill Clinton: “I saw someone’s underpants?”

* Marco Rubio was arrested in 1990 for being in a park after it was closed. That is amazing. Incredible. I mean the fact that Rubio was even born in 1990.

* Rubio was in a park after hours and may have been drinking beer. OK, finally, one GOP candidate who would have some appeal to Democratic swing voters.

* Bernie Sanders recently said he "would beat Trump badly.” The line between pro wrestling and the 2016 presidential race blurs a little more.

* Los Angeles Rams defensive end William Hayes said he doesn’t believe that dinosaurs ever existed. Concussion protocol?

* Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce will star in a new E! network show where he dates 50 women, one from each state. The only way I’d watch this is if Steve Harvey announces the wrong winner.

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