Welcome to this week’s Bottom 10, a group of teams where pretty much every first down is the result of a Hail Mary something or other.
1. Miami (Ohio) (0-8): The RedHawks play Bowling Green on Tuesday night. If you’re looking to get away from it all where there’s not a soul around, that Miami Monday night pep rally ought to do the trick.
2. Southern Mississippi (0-8): The Golden Eagles lost to Marshall 61-13. To shed some perspective, the last time Southern Miss won, Ron Kellogg was a sophomore at Nebraska.
3. Massachusetts (1-8): UMass coaches are considering trickery. I believe it’s the ol’ “punt on second down” play.
4. Georgia State (0-9): It’s beginning to look like Georgia State’s best hope of getting into the win column is to schedule Grambling State and hope for a forfeit.
5. Hawaii (0-8): The Rainbow Warriors’ home games have become almost as meaningless as the NFL Pro Bowl.
6. Purdue (1-7): On Saturday, Ohio State coach Urban Meyer appeared to show an ounce of mercy in his team’s easy win over the Boilermakers. Did I really just type that sentence?
7. California (1-8): Cal’s Oski the Bear mascot lost all interest and went into hibernation eight weeks early.
8. Idaho (1-8): The Vandals are an independent, which I’m beginning to think means that no league wants ’em.
9. Temple (1-8): The Owls lost to Rutgers 23-20 in a game so meaningless that the network cut away early for a preview of Olympic curling.
10. Eastern Michigan (1-8): Eastern Michigan lost to Toledo 55-16. It’s tough to win when your defense consistently gives up more points than the Washington Generals.
Others receiving votes: FIU, UAB, AARP, Ralphie, Carl Pelini, New Mexico State, crowd shots, Memphis, the NBA beginning play in October, New Orleans’ ugly new Pelican mascot, UTEP, New Mexico.