Mine was five hours.
Fortunately, I kept busy with other things but had time to read a good novel.
My son’s was about three.
Wednesday night, I finally gave up and went to bed, so I have no idea how long it took my wife’s cellphone to update Apple’s new software, something called iOS 7.
Luckier friends told me their download times were in the 20- to 30-minute range.
According to the Los Angeles Times and a company that monitors Web traffic, users of the iPhone, iPad and iPod Touch nearly “broke the Internet” while downloading the new operating system after its recent launch.
I’m unsure of the exact calculus necessary to bring down the Web, but 200 million iPhone users updated their software in the first six days since it became available.
The math works out to someone downloading one big honkin’ file nearly four times every second.
Video is regularly the bandwidth king, with Netflix and YouTube claiming inordinate amounts of space.
From Sept. 18 to Sept. 23, however, Apple gobbled up three times its normal share of the Internet traffic pie, from 4 percent to 13 percent. According to Blue Coat Systems, which keeps track of and manages such things, the electronic tsunami stretched the systems as it had never seen before and slowed the process.
Tell me about it, pal.
Of course, while a couple hundred million Apple users were trying to get with the operating times, a gazillion non-Apple users were also spiking Web traffic as they took to Twitter and chat rooms and Facebook to rag on iPhones and throw us Apples under the bus.
Ah, the smartphone wars, modernity’s answer to keeping up with the Joneses — only with some serious attitude.
Full disclosure: In 20 years, I’ve had three Motorolas, one Blackberry and two iPhones. While each served a purpose with its own strengths and weaknesses, I would consider a half-hour conversation defending why I have one phone and not another to be 30 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
Still, if you want to burn up the Internet (and not simply overwhelm it), launch a new iPhone and wait for the nastiness and hostility to take over like a toxic troll.
Frankly, I don’t get it.
Perhaps that’s because I don’t know enough about technology to understand either the error of my ways or the genius of my choices.
Then again, should it matter?
It must if you consider the snarky ad campaigns of companies designed to sell me their smartphones by implying I’m an idiot because I didn’t buy one in the first place.
While these television spots are occasionally humorous (the melee at a kids program), I rarely buy the product of someone who considers me a moron.
I waited all of 24 hours before updating, more than likely too late for the worm.
While Apple staggered the availability of the software (time zones), if I can instantly book a flight or hotel room, get real-time information from a baseball game 1,000 miles away or find a post-doctoral dissertation on the dung beetle, why would I wait for a few days or a couple weeks to be up to software speed?
Yes, the technology fetters me. My amateur-psychology take on 200 million downloads in six days, however, is less about microchips and more about human nature. We want it — now.
Which is why I laughed aloud as I wrote this piece.
I needed to check something in my cellphone’s “Settings,” where I went to accomplish the original update, my five-hour ordeal.
There, eight days after the new software launch, was the first system update for my new system update. Go figure.
I resisted the urge to plug in to get that download party started, making my link in the several hundred million users chain. God forbid my software be so last week.
Oh, and no, I’m not considering another kind of phone. Besides, the other guys keep telling me I’m not smart enough to own one.