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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here to read Brad's morning jokes.
* Husker fans will not be allowed to bring water into Memorial Stadium for Saturday's game. This may be the first sporting event where you can enter with a 9-foot hollowed-out corncob on your noggin', but get stopped by security because you're toting a bottle of water.
* Judging by Apple's stock price, the new iPhones are not going over well. I think the African killer bees got a better reception in the U.S.
* A man wearing a Barack Obama mask tried to rob a bank in New Hampshire. In a sign of the times, he was thwarted by 25 guys disguised as Republican members of Congress.
* According to a new survey, 48 percent of Americans believe that extraterrestrials exist on Earth. According to another survey, 10 percent of Americans have faith in Congress. Yeah, those figures sound about right.
* I thought I was reading a story on the national debt. The figure turned out to be the amount of Ndamukong Suh's latest fine.
* In Maury County, Tenn., a sheriff's deputy was reprimanded for firing his gun to scare off a turkey that was defecating on the hood of his patrol car. This sounds like a scene that was edited out of “Police Academy VII.”
* The baby panda born a couple of weeks ago at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C., is doing great after receiving round-the-clock medical care. See, this proves that Obamacare is viable -- for pandas.
* Johnny Manziel is on the cover of Time magazine. I only hope this doesn't go to his head. I'd hate to see him start acting cocky.
* Five former SEC football players are accused of receiving improper benefits. I know what you're thinking -- sounds way too low.
* A new study finds fans of losing NFL teams are more likely to get “fat.” If that's true, they must widen the seats at Arrowhead Stadium every other season.
* The University of Kentucky football program mailed 152 letters to a QB recruit and 182 letters to a tackle recruit in one day. Ironically, the program would've had a better chance of landing each player with a two-character tweet.
* Founding members of the music group KISS, Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons, are new co-owners of an Arena League expansion team called the L.A. KISS. Considering how he feels about attention, Gene Simmons should name himself starting quarterback any day now.
* Major League Baseball is getting expanded instant replay. This will lengthen games. In the future, you'll be able to fly to Mars and back in the time it takes to play a doubleheader.
* Michelle Kwan has been hired by Fox Sports to cover the Winter Olympics. For the first time, a figure-skating announcer will know what a Salchow and triple-toe loop look like and won't just make it all up.