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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* Beginning Monday at 9 a.m. there are lane restrictions at 90th and Dodge in Omaha. And what better time to begin those lane restrictions than 9 a.m. on a Monday?
* Couldn't they choose a better time -- say, 1 p.m. on Black Friday?
* This means, by noon, traffic will be backed up to somewhere around the vicinity of Scottsbluff.
* There was torrential rain in Omaha over the weekend. I saw a group of gas station employees forming a human chain to cross a parking lot filled with raging water just so the manager could get inside and raise prices.
* A small, satellite Chick-fil-A has opened inside Crossroads. This means Crossroads will soon be known by its new handle: “Busiest Mall In America.”
* The food is prepared elsewhere and delivered to the satellite Chick-fil-A hourly. Chick-fil-A is so important to Omaha, the delivery cars are allowed to use flashing red lights and sirens.
* I saw a cop hold up a funeral procession, so the Chick-fil-A delivery van could pass.
* Bill Gates has passed Carlos Slim to regain the title “Wealthiest Person in the World” by a slim margin. It would have been a wider margin, but Gates just paid for parking in downtown Omaha during the Berkshire shareholders meeting.
* There was a single winning ticket in the $590.5 million Powerball Lottery. Or, as we call $590 million in Omaha: “Gas money.”
* The winning ticket was sold in Florida. I'm trying to confirm the winner plans to spend the money by taking the entire family to Disney World and buying a couple of souvenir T-shirts.
* Two candidates who entered at the last minute threw the Iranian presidential election into disarray. However, Bob Kerrey and Hal Daub were immediately told they are ineligible.
* Over the weekend, President Obama gave the commencement address at Morehouse College in Atlanta. While in Atlanta, Obama stayed with loved ones -- a group of CNN anchors.
* It began raining shortly after Obama began his commencement speech at Morehouse College. Republicans in Washington were high-fiving one another, going, “The cloud seeding worked!”
* Obama discussed manhood in his commencement speech, a topic rarely broached by men whose wives have larger biceps than they do.
* The Minnesota State Senate approved gay marriage. A new land speed record was set by Michele Bachmann leaving Minnesota.
* NASA has revealed that astronauts recycle urinated drinking water. In fact, this is essential in space travel. They never showed us this scene on “Star Trek.”
* The new “Star Trek” movie is something of a disappointment at the box office. The subtitle isn't helping. “Star Trek: Been There, Done That.”
* O'Hare Airport in Chicago is getting a new “vegetation management grazing service” -- a group of 30 goats. You think O'Hare was a nightmare before; now your suitcase could be eaten by a goat.
* The goats are there to control the vegetation surrounding the airport. That's when you know the sequester cuts are bad -- airports are hiring goats.
* Goats will eat anything. Well, except for airline food.
* According to a Reader's Digest poll, Tom Cruise is the least trusted man in America. I am stunned -- mostly that Reader's Digest is still publishing.
* The poll says the least trusted people in America are Tom Cruise and Kristen Stewart. This immediately made them both eligible to serve in Congress or host a program on CNN.