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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* Mayor Jim Suttle and opponent Jean Stothert recently spoke to a group of 40 people. This was very important -- these were the same 40 people who voted in the primary.
* Tuesday night’s acrimonious mayoral debate was held at the University of Nebraska-Omaha. For one night, it was just like wrestling was back at UNO.
* During the debate, Mayor Suttle quoted Albert Einstein, which was a surprise because, going into the thing, I was reasonably sure that the last person I expected to hear referenced during a discussion of Omaha politics was Albert Einstein.
* At the debate, Jean Stothert, as determined by a coin flip, delivered her opening statement first. To show you how desperate we are, the coin was then seized to be put toward the sewer overhaul.
* We’re reportedly getting closer to key intelligence info on North Korea. What kind of world is it when we can acquire North Korea’s deepest secrets but cannot figure out who’s responsible for the negative ad buys in the Omaha mayoral election?
* On Tuesday night, Lincoln set an all-time low temperature mark for the date when it got down to 26 degrees. It was so cold Wednesday morning, Lincolnites were wearing their fur-lined rubber corncob heads to work.
* On Tuesday, the AP Twitter account was hacked. In the past, The Wall Street Journal and New York Times Twitter accounts have been hacked. It’s gotten to the point where the only sincere, true thing left on Twitter is Fake Bo Pelini.
* Secretary of State John Kerry is pledging part of his salary to charity. Somehow, he’ll just have to scrape by living on his wife’s inheritance, which includes Massachusetts and two-thirds of Vermont.
* Sen. Rand Paul has ideas on how to make the Republican Party more appealing to Americans. Paul’s ideas make sense. For example, instead of a keynote address at the Republican National Convention, he suggests showing a 90-minute funny cat video.
* Six-term Montana Sen. Max Baucus announced on Tuesday he won't seek re-election. Ironically, the Senate was debating the exact same legislation the day Baucus announced his retirement as it was the day of his arrival.
* A Nevada state senator has proposed allowing Americans to wager on elections. We can also now bet on professional wrestling. I’d like to say this is the first link between American politics and pro wrestling, but of course there are thousands.
* CNN is introducing sports programming. If this is as accurate as CNN’s recent news coverage, we can look for reports like: “In the NBA playoffs, it was the Angels over the Packers, 89 to 6.”
* The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has identified a new 'superbug.' That sounds like something you’d see flying around TD Ameritrade Park in late June. "Daddy, Daddy, did you see that huge mosquito?" "That was a superbug, son."
* On the International Space Station, a Canadian astronaut demonstrated what it’s like to cry in zero gravity. In order to get him to cry, the Canadian astronaut was first told his wife was divorcing him. When that didn’t work, he was told that hockey has been outlawed.
* Bank of America has begun placing human tellers in banks that watch you and speak to you remotely when you’re at the ATM. A new world record in the high jump was set when a guy used an ATM at night, and the ATM said, “Hey, how’s it goin’?”
* With the financial condition of many Americans, the teller on the screen should say: “You sure you can afford to withdraw that much for Keno, Mr. Johnson?”
* A new “America’s Fattest City” has been anointed. While some people like spring because the weather warms, the grass turns green and the birds sing, I like it because it’s when a new 'America’s Fattest City' is designated.
* This year, the Fattest City in America is McAllen-Edinburg-Mission, Texas. A parade was held. Everyone walked a half block, got winded and so they called the whole thing off.
* About 48,000 pounds of pastrami and ham have been recalled due to possible bacteria contamination. I’m trying to confirm the McAllen-Edinburg-Mission, Texas, citizens alliance said: “Is this necessary? How bad was the bacteria?”
* Two cruise ships rescued a group of people floating in a crude, homemade raft between Florida and Cuba. Once the people realized it was a Carnival cruise ship, they returned to the less harsh conditions of their crude homemade raft.