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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* Two OPS Board candidates are tied for second with each receiving 287 votes, but two days after the primary, election officials are still counting ballots. All of a sudden, we're like Florida with lousy weather.
* Jean Stothert said the mayor's race is now about change, which is appropriate for Omaha. After federal, state and local taxes are taken out, that's what we have left from our paychecks -- some change.
* Omaha traffic signals are getting a $36 million upgrade. Now, not only will the signals stay red for 10 minutes, but they'll taunt you in the process.
* According to a study, more than 12,000 animals used animal crossings near the interstate in eastern Nebraska over three years. Well, here's an idea: in order to get your money's worth from the Kearney Arch, throw down some feed, put up fencing and turn it into an animal crossing.
* A 16-year-old Blair High School student memorized all 1,002 digits of pi. Then, he went to drive home and couldn't remember where he put his car keys.
* He memorized all 1,002 digits of pi. When I was that age, I had a similar experience when I finally memorized my address and phone number.
* The No. 1 movie at the box office is “G.I. Joe: Retaliation.” I guess the movie aired in Pyongyang, and 400 members of the North Korean military tried to surrender to star Dwayne Johnson.
* The U.S. has sent F-22 planes to join South Korean drills in order to send a message to North Korea. This is unnecessary. Considering the reported strength of the North Korean military, we could have sent over the Navy guy from The Village People.
* President Obama is going to return five percent of his $400,000 salary in solidarity with furloughed government employees. Congress spent all day arguing over whether that means he's returning 20 grand or 30 grand.
* It doesn't stop there. To demonstrate his solidarity with regular U.S. workers, one day per week, Obama will perform no work and spend all day downloading funny cat videos from the Internet.
* Obama recently appeared on Univision and Telemundo. Apparently, he's run out of English-speaking talk shows to go on.
* President Obama has designated five new national monuments. There was a big celebration ceremony that was somewhat tarnished when he announced that four of them would be closed indefinitely due to sequester cuts.
* Obama is asking Congress for $2 billion to explore alternative vehicle technology. The way these things work nowadays, Congress will come back to Obama with an offer of $75 with the potential for another 8 bucks “down the road.”
* Sen. Rand Paul has new ideas for the Republican Party on how it can be more popular with Americans. Here's a good one: instead of holding a 4-day convention, he suggests that Republicans instead raffle off a big screen TV.
* Both Rand Paul and Ron Paul may run for president. This country is so divided politically now, we can't even get a consensus among the Pauls.
* In a special election, disgraced former S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford won his primary for a seat in the House. This is when you know this country is in trouble: the big hope for the future in Congress has the word “disgraced” before his name.
* Michele Bachmann lashed out and said that we're the ones who pay for someone to walk the president's dog. So she's calling for eliminating the office of vice president?
* Actor David Hasselhoff has been in Germany trying to save the Berlin Wall. How does this make John Kerry feel? He was named secretary of state, yet all the really important diplomatic missions are made by Hasselhoff and Dennis Rodman?
* Congress is considering new air bag rules. I'd like to clear up some confusion. Technically members of the current Congress are not considered air bags themselves.
* Canada got two giant pandas from China. This is the new strategy to increase the panda population -- put them in a country where there's nothing else to do but breed.
* According to a press release, Prince Harry is returning to the U.S. There's no truth to the rumor the press release began: “Lock up your daughters!”