Dear Annie: I’m a gay man and have been with my boyfriend for four years. I know he’s bisexual, but I guess I didn’t understand. He told me recently that he wants to have a girlfriend in addition to seeing me. I understand the logic, but I don’t like it. I don’t feel threatened. I know he loves me, and he’s not going to replace me with another guy. He views our relationship as steady. I’m sure if he ever settles down, it will be with me.
I have a five-year head start over this girl, but it doesn’t sit right with me. Whenever I bring up concerns about sharing him or what the future will be like, he says we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Annie, what if he wants a child — or decides to marry a woman to avoid the stigma of being gay? He’d still expect me to hang on. And whenever I issue an ultimatum about not dating anyone else, he says I’m allowed to leave whenever I want. I don’t know whether he doesn’t care or knows I don’t really mean it.
I love him and want to be with him forever, but I don’t think I could get used to being “the other man.” What do I do?
-- Confused and Hurt from North Dakota
Dear North Dakota: It doesn’t matter whether your boyfriend is gay, straight, bisexual or from another planet. He wants to have someone else in his bed, and you apparently don’t consider this cheating. You say his heart belongs to you, and yet you believe he could marry someone else. He isn’t being fair to you. You know this, which is why it doesn’t “sit right,” but you permit it to continue because somewhere in your head, you are convinced he is committed to you. He is not. He is manipulating you into sticking around while he plays the field.
After five years, it might be a good idea to set him free. If you are still available when he’s ready to settle down, he can contact you then. Otherwise, you are only making yourself miserable and anxious.
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