Breaking Brad: Sequester threatens to swallow much of east coast -
Published Thursday, February 28, 2013 at 9:45 am / Updated at 10:28 am
Breaking Brad: Sequester threatens to swallow much of east coast

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* The theme of the 2013 Nebraska State Fair has been announced -- “The Thrill of It All.” Lincolnites submitted their own state fair theme: “Grand Island Stinks.”

* OPPD customers are being warned about a billing scam. A good rule of thumb: if your bill doesn't include a notice about a future rate increase, it's not really from OPPD.

* Nebraska's new 531 area code won't be implemented for three years, which, ironically, is about how long it will soon take us to figure out how to make a call with all these area codes -- three years.

* Upcoming solar storms threaten to knock out cellphone service. If these storms were around last year, former Neb. Lt. Gov. Rick Sheehy would still have a job.

* According to a Bloomberg News poll, 54 percent of Americans want Congress to delay big spending cuts. The other 46 percent of Americans want members of Congress to jump into the nearest lake.

* President Obama visited a ship builder in eastern Virginia to discuss the impact of sequester cuts on the firm. If Obama wants the support of Republicans, he should've called the company a yacht builder.

* It was appropriate that Obama visited a ship builder because, according to the White House, if sequester cuts kick in, the ocean will rise up and swallow most of the east coast.

* Some are accusing President Obama of scare tactics as the White House makes its case for what will happen if sequester cuts kick in. For instance, apparently when the sequester cuts take effect, Idaho will be swallowed up by a gigantic sinkhole.

* Florida will float into Cuba. And Kansas will be hit by a series of unimaginable blizzards -- wait, the last one already happened.

* This just in -- in their attempts to scare the pants off Americans ... I mean, to raise awareness, the White House is claiming that if sequester cuts go into effect, next time an asteroid is hurling past Earth, it won't miss.

* Bob Woodward claims a White House official threatened him for saying the White House was “moving the goal posts” in the sequester debate. It's unclear if the White House was angry with Woodward or fed up with the 2 billion football analogies applied to politics.

* Woodward retorted that if the White House pursues him, he refuses to punt, nor will he quick kick, and if it comes down to fourth and 15, he's going for it.

* John Kerry has embarked on his first trip abroad as new secretary of state. He's visiting England, Germany, France, Italy, Turkey, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and Qatar. To ensure he gets a good reception in at least one of the nations, his wife bought Qatar.

* On Sunday, Mitt Romney will do his first interview since the election on Fox News. It will be followed by a live Fox News interview with Dick Morris, who plans to predict that Romney will win the 2016 and 2020 elections “in a landslide.”

* You know who's really glad the groundhog predicted an early spring? Dick Morris. This means his pre-election call was only the second worst prediction ever.

* According to a new poll from Public Policy Polling, the credibility of Fox News is at an all-time low. A Fox News representative called on President Romney to take drastic measures against the polling group.

* Fox News then went on to blame the polling results on “liberal Democrats and space aliens who tampered with the results.”

* A class action lawsuit has been filed against Carnival Cruise lines. The easy part will be finding 12 jurors who don't watch CNN.


A North Carolina state representative introduced a bill that would criminalize partial exposure of a woman's breast. If this catches on, three quarters of the audience at the Academy Awards will end up doing time.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

19-year-old arrested in connection with March shooting
Cult murderer's death row appeal denied, but execution in limbo
Beau McCoy strikes Obama doll in TV ad; Democrats are not happy
17 senators in Nebraska Legislature hit their (term) limits
Police identify 21-year-old shot in ankle near 30th, W Streets
Police: Slaying of woman in Ralston apartment likely over drugs
Keystone XL pipeline backers blast 'political expediency' as foes hail ruling to delay decision
Nebraska senators to study tax issues over break
Interstate construction to cause lane shifts, closings in Omaha area
Teenager arrested after woman's purse is snatched outside Omaha store
Kelly: A California university president returns to her Nebraska roots on Ivy Day
Omahan charged in fatal shooting in Benson neighborhood
Friday's attendance dips at Millard West after bathroom threat
High school slam poets don't just recite verses, 'they leave their hearts beating on the stage'
Crack ring's leaders join others in prison as a result of Operation Purple Haze
Haze in area comes from Kansas, Oklahoma
Man taken into custody in domestic dispute
Omaha judge reprimanded for intervening in peer attorney's DUI case
Intoxicated man with pellet gun climbs billboard's scaffold; is arrested
Police seek public's help in finding an armed man
Saturday forecast opens window for gardening; Easter egg hunts look iffy on Sunday
Database: How much did Medicare pay your doctor?
Last day of 2014 Legislature: Praise, passage of a last few bills and more on mountain lions
New public employee pay data: Douglas, Lancaster, Sarpy Counties, plus utilities
A voice of experience: Ex-gang member helps lead fight against Omaha violence
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Kelly: A California university president returns to her Nebraska roots on Ivy Day
The main speaker at today's Ivy Day celebration at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln is a college president who grew up roping calves and earned her Ph.D. at the prestigious Oxford University in England.
Breaking Brad: Stuck in a claw machine? You get no Easter candy
I know of one kid in Lincoln who will be receiving a lump of coal from the Easter Bunny, just as soon as he's extricated from that bowling alley claw machine.
Breaking Brad: Mountain lion season's over, but the bunny's fair game!
Thursday was the last day of a Nebraska Legislature session. Before leaving town, legislators passed a bill to hold a lottery to hunt the Easter Bunny.
Breaking Brad: At least my kid never got stuck inside a claw machine
We need a new rule in Lincoln. If your kid is discovered inside the claw machine at a bowling alley, you are forever barred from being nominated for "Mother of the Year."
Breaking Brad: How many MECA board members can we put in a luxury suite?
As a stunt at the Blue Man Group show, MECA board members are going to see how many people they can stuff into one luxury suite.
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