Breaking Brad: Sequester threatens to swallow much of east coast - Omaha.com
Published Thursday, February 28, 2013 at 9:45 am / Updated at 10:28 am
Breaking Brad: Sequester threatens to swallow much of east coast

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* The theme of the 2013 Nebraska State Fair has been announced -- “The Thrill of It All.” Lincolnites submitted their own state fair theme: “Grand Island Stinks.”

* OPPD customers are being warned about a billing scam. A good rule of thumb: if your bill doesn't include a notice about a future rate increase, it's not really from OPPD.

* Nebraska's new 531 area code won't be implemented for three years, which, ironically, is about how long it will soon take us to figure out how to make a call with all these area codes -- three years.

* Upcoming solar storms threaten to knock out cellphone service. If these storms were around last year, former Neb. Lt. Gov. Rick Sheehy would still have a job.

* According to a Bloomberg News poll, 54 percent of Americans want Congress to delay big spending cuts. The other 46 percent of Americans want members of Congress to jump into the nearest lake.

* President Obama visited a ship builder in eastern Virginia to discuss the impact of sequester cuts on the firm. If Obama wants the support of Republicans, he should've called the company a yacht builder.

* It was appropriate that Obama visited a ship builder because, according to the White House, if sequester cuts kick in, the ocean will rise up and swallow most of the east coast.

* Some are accusing President Obama of scare tactics as the White House makes its case for what will happen if sequester cuts kick in. For instance, apparently when the sequester cuts take effect, Idaho will be swallowed up by a gigantic sinkhole.

* Florida will float into Cuba. And Kansas will be hit by a series of unimaginable blizzards -- wait, the last one already happened.

* This just in -- in their attempts to scare the pants off Americans ... I mean, to raise awareness, the White House is claiming that if sequester cuts go into effect, next time an asteroid is hurling past Earth, it won't miss.

* Bob Woodward claims a White House official threatened him for saying the White House was “moving the goal posts” in the sequester debate. It's unclear if the White House was angry with Woodward or fed up with the 2 billion football analogies applied to politics.

* Woodward retorted that if the White House pursues him, he refuses to punt, nor will he quick kick, and if it comes down to fourth and 15, he's going for it.

* John Kerry has embarked on his first trip abroad as new secretary of state. He's visiting England, Germany, France, Italy, Turkey, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and Qatar. To ensure he gets a good reception in at least one of the nations, his wife bought Qatar.

* On Sunday, Mitt Romney will do his first interview since the election on Fox News. It will be followed by a live Fox News interview with Dick Morris, who plans to predict that Romney will win the 2016 and 2020 elections “in a landslide.”

* You know who's really glad the groundhog predicted an early spring? Dick Morris. This means his pre-election call was only the second worst prediction ever.

* According to a new poll from Public Policy Polling, the credibility of Fox News is at an all-time low. A Fox News representative called on President Romney to take drastic measures against the polling group.

* Fox News then went on to blame the polling results on “liberal Democrats and space aliens who tampered with the results.”

* A class action lawsuit has been filed against Carnival Cruise lines. The easy part will be finding 12 jurors who don't watch CNN.

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A North Carolina state representative introduced a bill that would criminalize partial exposure of a woman's breast. If this catches on, three quarters of the audience at the Academy Awards will end up doing time.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

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