* * * * * * * * * *
Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* The Guinness Book of World Records special featured the World's Most Uncomfortable Man on Thursday night -- wait, that was Lance Armstrong talking to Oprah.
* To give you an idea of Lance Armstrong's demeanor during his interview with Oprah, picture a cat that was mistakenly locked in the ready room at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show.
* During his interview with Oprah, Lance Armstrong admitted to blood doping, transfusions, EPO use, testosterone, cortisone and human growth hormone. He was basically the first rolling pharmacy on two wheels.
* When he walked out of the interview, Armstrong was greeted by 800 supporters -- whoops, turns out they were all process servers.
* Oprah seemed amazed at someone who would do anything to defeat the competition. This from a woman who, at one time, I could have easily pictured with Phil Donahue in a headlock while she stepped on Sally Jessy Raphael's neck.
* Thursday night's Lance Armstrong interview was expected to produce the highest ratings ever for Oprah Winfrey's network. The second highest ratings were for a doctor who endorsed cheese colonics.
* I wouldn't say that Oprah didn't appear to be overly knowledgeable on the subject, but after hearing Lance used performance enhancers she said, “You mean like pepper? Or something like Viagra?”
* The U.S. Figure Skating Championships are about to begin in Omaha. The event will feature figure skaters with name recognition. If they want a skater with name recognition here, it had better be Peggy Fleming or Tonya Harding.
* To give you an idea what figure skating officials are up against -- Omahans understand our emergency snow parking policy better than we do figure skating.
* On Michelle Obama's 49th birthday, she and Barack dined at an “upscale Washington eatery.” This country is $16 trillion in debt. There aren't any Applebee's in D.C.?
* With the new austerity, for her birthday, Barack presented Michelle with a Costco gift membership.
* Actually, for her 49th birthday Thursday, Michelle Obama told Barack to surprise her. So he said something nice about Congress.
* President Obama appears ready to name Denis McDonough as his new chief of staff. Cutbacks in Washington are so severe Denis was forced to drop an “n.”
* In an interview, Bill Clinton said Hillary will live to be 120. That will work out great. As a former Chicagoan and lifelong Cubs fan, she should make it just long enough to see the team back in the World Series.
* On Monday, President Obama will be taking the oath of office. In a sign of the times in Washington, while he's raising his right hand, Obama is expected to be flipping off Congress with his left.
* Chicago and Hawaii are fighting over which gets to house the Obama Presidential Library. My vote goes to Hawaii. That display of faux Obama birth certificates would be super impressive.
* The other day a U.S. senator set down the entire 100,000 page U.S. tax code -- wait, my mistake, that was a new congressional briefing “Bad Stuff 'Bout Chuck Hagel.”
* During Chuck Hagel's Secretary of Defense confirmation hearings, a Republican will likely be maliciously maligned and viciously criticized. I remember when that was called “primary season.”
* Sen. Jim Inhofe said he cannot support Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense. The Hagel team said it's OK and they're only going to worry about the support of members of Congress whose names the American people can pronounce.
* Hagel and current Defense Secretary Leon Panetta sat down for a private dinner of filet mignon and chocolate cake. Michele Bachmann said that sounds too much like a date for her to support the nominee.
* Chicago is raising the price to park at meters downtown to $6.50 an hour. Which is outrageous, because in Chicago you can bribe an alderman for $7.50.
* Monday has been designated Squirrel Appreciation Day. For men, this is a slightly bigger holiday than Valentine's Day.
* A Belgian artist has created a work of art out of 750,000 discarded cigarette butts. Or, as I used to call 750,000 discarded cigarette butts, “closing time at the Ranch Bowl.”