This is Brad's morning edition.
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* A new land speed record has been set. Unfortunately, it was set by a guy in a Winnebago going down a side street in northwest Omaha.
* The Public Works Department announced the name of its program to clear the side streets in Omaha: “July.”
* After going up one side street and down another, an Omaha dad canceled the family’s scheduled trip to go on the roller coaster at Worlds of Fun this spring. He turned to the kids in the backseat and said, “There’s your roller coaster.”
* A woman led police on a 90-minute slow speed chase that began in Sarpy County. Considering the condition of a lot of side streets in Sarpy County, I believe in that 90-minutes she traveled four and a half blocks.
* The latest labor department statistics reveal that about 12.5 million Americans are out of work. The Iowa Supreme Court said that one-third of those deserve not to be in the workplace because they are physically irresistible.
* According to a new study, coupons makes people happier than a kiss from a loved one. So if you really want to thrill your significant other, under the Mistletoe present her with 20 percent off at Kohl's.
* There is a huge storm back East. American Airlines canceled hundreds of flights. Actually, that was before the storm even formed.
* A group of activists want to ban all future images of Santa smoking a pipe because it presents a bad example for children. This is the latest cause by the group “Americans Bent on Destroying All Forms of Fun.”
* Men spent more money this holiday season than women. Unfortunately they spent it on gifts like “The Do It Yourself Home Taco-Warmer.”
* I thought I was watching footage of a foreign leader arriving in the country of an ally, getting down and kissing the ground. Turns out it was an already-sick-of-winter Nebraskan touching down in Orlando for the Capital One Bowl.
* President Obama ended his vacation early and flew back to Washington. The Obamas have been vacationing in Hawaii, the president’s birthplace, wink, wink.
* House Speaker John Boehner said “Only God knows” how we will reach a fiscal cliff agreement now. Don’t you love it when our elected leaders issue reassuring statements to calm the markets and ease our jitters?
* Now Congress is claiming it can’t do any work on the fiscal cliff on Thursday, seeing as how it is gripped by Belk Bowl Fever.
* It’s reported that it will take extraordinary measures to keep from going over the fiscal cliff. For example, members of Congress cutting their vacations two days short.
* President Obama cut short his vacation. It’s a good thing this happened post-Dec. 21 because it’s the fourth sign of the apocalypse.
* The CEO of Starbucks urged employees at the 120 Washington D.C. stores to write “Come Together” on coffee cups to try and resolve the fiscal cliff. The problem is, due to the new austerity, members of Congress now buy their coffee exclusively at Dunkin’ Donuts.
* If it works Starbucks customers should try writing “Lower prices” on their used Starbucks cups.