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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* President Obama wants to appoint a secretary of business, who, as of now, would have no duties or responsibilities. Joe Biden said, “Hey, that's my job.”
* Nancy Pelosi has decided not to leave her post as House Minority Leader. I was pretty sure Pelosi was not leaving since I heard nothing about a violent coup in Washington.
* Not only is Pelosi staying on, but she just purchased a new trampoline that will propel her 15 feet into the air behind President Obama whenever he makes a good point during State of the Union speeches.
* Pelosi reacted angrily when NBC reporter Luke Russert asked a question about her age and whether she should make room for a younger Democrat. This gets ugly in a hurry the moment Donald Trump starts searching for Pelosi's birth certificate.
* There is a sex scandal involving the CEO of the Waffle House restaurant chain. I'd like to clear up some confusion. “Waffle House” is not what the White House would've been called had Mitt Romney won the election.
* According to a report, the TSA provided security at several Mitt Romney campaign rallies. This may make him the first candidate to lose a historic presidential election because his security team took away rally attendees' nail clippers.
* Mitt Romney is attributing his loss to a vast, nationwide conspiracy. Wait, my mistake, that was Penn State quarterback Matt McGloin talking about the Nebraska game.
* Seemingly defeated Florida Rep. Allen West is calling for a full recount in Florida. The big concern is this will turn up some missing ballots from the year 2000 and Al Gore will retroactively become president.
* Congress is calling for an investigation into former CIA Director David Petraeus' extramarital affair. Mostly congressmen want to know how he got caught so they don't make the same mistake.
* Petraeus' mistress has gone into hiding. If the CIA can't find her, we've got a problem.
* On Wednesday President Obama held his first news conference since March. Since then he has hung out with every American celebrity except for two former cast members from “Gilligan's Island.”
* Nebraska has joined the secessionist movement. In case Nebraska forms its own country, Dave Heineman and Hal Daub have already made some initial inquiries about running for president.
* The new petition for Texas to secede from the U.S. has already gathered more than 80,000 signatures. So apparently it was passed around Memorial Stadium before Saturday's Husker game.
* The world's oldest book is being auctioned off by Sotheby's. I believe that would be the Iowa football playbook.
* In college basketball, No. 9 Duke upset No. 3 Kentucky 75-68. Give Kentucky coach John Calipari credit for not using the fact that three freshman Kentucky starters left for the NBA at halftime as an excuse.
* Texas Tech's Tommy Tuberville slapped an assistant, and Mike Leach has been accused of abuse by a player. We're fast getting to the point where Bo Pelini is the mellowest coach in college football.