Week 5 of the college football season saw the Bottom 10 achieve a sort of awkward, uncomfortable parity as the top two teams in our rankings nearly notched their first victories of the year.
1. Alabama-Birmingham (0-4): The season is so dismal that confederate flags are distancing themselves from the UAB team.
2. Massachusetts (0-5): On Saturday, UMass played the Fighting Solichs of Ohio close before losing. This is certainly no disgrace. With their momentum, the Fighting Solichs could probably give the Pittsburgh Steelers a run for their money this season.
3. Rice (1-4): The time of possession this year is so unimpressive, the team is going by the name Minute Rice.
4. California (1-4): It's gotten to the point that Cal professors would rather watch Republican National Convention highlights than attend a Cal game.
5. Rhode Island (0-4): New England colleges are having a down year in football, something you only see 98 percent of the time.
6. Akron (1-4): Bottom 10-staple Zips make their first appearance of 2012.
7. Florida Atlantic (1-4): If you open your window in eastern Nebraska on Saturday nights, you can just barely hear Carl Pelini's postgame rants to the Owls in Boca Raton.
8. Arkansas (1-4): The Razorbacks achieve Bottom 10 ignominy, consistently appearing on the list only a few short weeks after starting in the Top 10.
9. Colorado (1-4): After upsetting directionless Washington State (I'm defining directionless as “coached by Mike Leach”), Colorado gets back to business as usual, falling to UCLA.
10. Hawaii (1-3): Hawaii's fortunes are so bleak that when visiting teams arrive at the airport, they're presented with leis and congratulated on their upcoming win against the Warriors.
Also receiving votes: Kansas, David Gilbert, Bill Belichick, the aging process, Vanderbilt, Buffalo, UTEP, eye-gouging Big Ten linemen, West Virginia and Baylor defenses, UNLV, Conference USA, Idaho, Idaho State.