Breaking Brad: Sweating over a bag of carrots - Omaha.com
Published Friday, July 6, 2012 at 12:01 am / Updated at 9:35 am
Breaking Brad: Sweating over a bag of carrots

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition

* The Nebraska Furniture Mart rejected "huge incentives" to move its corporate headquarters to Dallas. If that had happened, you may as well move the state capitol from Lincoln to Lubbock.

* Not to worry. If the Furniture Mart would ever relocate to the Dallas area, UNL officials have vowed to get back in the Big 12 to seek revenge on Texas.

* The Henry Doorly Zoo is closing in on record attendance for the year. Many of the visitors are just there to cool off in the Desert Dome.

* Fireworks are blamed for two house-fires in Papillion. This may be the only place where we show our patriotism by burning down half the town.

* The fireworks in Omaha this year were something else. Normally when you hear that many blasts, it’s followed by two countries negotiating reparations.

* More record heat in Omaha. I was sweating like Iowa Gov. Terry Branstad looking at a bag of carrots.

* Breaking news: Late Thursday, security agents guarding Branstad wrestled a cucumber to the ground.
 
* A heat advisory is in effect for Omaha. Because it’s Omaha, there are also pothole, firecracker and tax advisories.

* There were 80 fireworks stands in the Omaha area and four or five cooling stations. Something about that proportion seems off.

* The scorching temperatures back East also continue. Everyone’s hair is starting to look like Donald Trump’s.

* A few weeks ago, ESPN aired the National Spelling Bee, which seemed to indicate that our nation’s young are bright and well-mannered. Then on the Fourth, in a form of rebuttal, ESPN televised the Coney Island Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest.

* President Obama is on a bus tour of Pennsylvania and Ohio. I believe this is the "Get Out of Dodge Before The Jobs Report Comes Out" tour.

* Obama’s bus tour stopped in Poland, Ohio so he could discuss the Friday jobs report. Too bad there’s not a town called China, Ohio; it’d be emblematic of where all our jobs are going.

* This is pretty embarrassing - all 200 reporters accompanying President Obama on his bus tour sped off down the highway at 90 mph after word broke that Katie Holmes was speaking out on her divorce.

* Mitt Romney spent the Fourth of July at his vacation home in New Hampshire. Fortunately, the Romneys have vacation homes in all 16 key battleground states to choose from.

* Romney was photographed on a jet ski. A little different - when he jet skies, Romney carries drilling equipment in case he passes over any water areas where there might be oil.

* Mitt Romney went on vacation in the middle of an important campaign. Now he’s acting presidential.

* There’s a popular online video of a dog and a pet pig that have formed a friendship. They bonded over their mutual contempt for the cat.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

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