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Brad's morning edition
Check back with Omaha.com this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* At the start of most races at the U.S. Olympic Swim Trials, 6 -foot flames shoot from poolside. It's going over so well, Berkshire Hathaway executives are planning to arrange for 8-foot flames to shoot from Charlie Munger's armrests during the next shareholders meeting.
* A Chinese spacecraft has manually docked with an orbiting space laboratory. What a strange world we live in when a spacecraft can dock with an orbiting lab, but people in downtown Omaha are unable to parallel park.
* The U.S. Swim Trials seems to be proceeding well. The only real problem has been fans mistaking our mosquitoes for shuttle buses and trying to board them.
* This is my favorite time of the year in Omaha. After hearing a loud boom in the evening, I try to guess if it's thunder or fireworks.
* This has been the hottest week of the year. I've been sweating like UNL Chancellor Harvey Perlman when he heard BCS presidents approved a four-team football playoff.
* Ralston just celebrated its 100th birthday. Thank goodness for Ralston. If it wasn't for Ralston, where would all the sports teams from Omaha play?
* Tropical Storm Debby, moving at a speed of 6 mph, threatened Florida. Which was scary, because many Florida motorists are capable of reaching a top speed of 5 mph.
* According to one poll, if the election were held tomorrow, President Obama would win. Obama immediately tried to use executive privilege to hold the election tomorrow.
* Breaking news: Obama also tried to use executive privilege to replace all the conservatives on the U.S. Supreme Court with liberals before the health care ruling is announced on Thursday.
* The season finale of "My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding" has aired. So it's safe to turn your power back on, America.
* The coach of the Fiorentina soccer club attacked one of his own players for being sarcastic. I don't think it paid off, because afterward the player said, "Yeah, that really hurt me. I've so learned my lesson, man."
* A man in Tulsa is starting a bikini hockey league. We already have the Lingerie Football League. At this rate, by 2035 roller derby will be considered among of our most dignified sports.
* Terrell Owens has been cut by an Indoor Football League team. So where does he go from here, the Indianapolis Colts?
* The Chicago Cubs signed free agent outfielder Jorge Soler. The enticement from the Cubs: "Sign with us and you'll get Octobers off."
* Cincinnati Reds third baseman Todd Frazier used the Heimlich maneuver on a choking restaurant diner. There is no truth to the rumor that Frazier stopped midway when he learned the guy was a Cleveland Indians fan.