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Brad's afternoon edition
* On Arbor Day, sheriff's deputies outside Lincoln pulled over three people who supposedly stole a tree. This is when you know someone doesn't quite have a handle on the proper way to observe Arbor Day.
* Omaha officials' new plan to appease bicyclists and motorists seems to have dispelased both groups. That's a real feat - when you can consistently take two completely opposing points of view and manage to rankle each side.
* Michelle Obama is visiting Las Vegas. Apparently, the Obama economic plan is now "$4 Trillion on Red."
* Monday was "Classical Night" on "Dancing with the Stars." This is when the celebrity contestants prove they're equally adept at butchering high-brow music as they are at popular tunes.
* A funeral home for dogs just opened in Omaha, and Google executives met with Council Bluffs officials to discuss further expansion there. How bad would that make officials trying to lure corporations to Omaha look? Council Bluffs gets Google, and we get the doggie funeral home.
* According to a study, lack of sleep can cause us to gain weight. This means Americans can say, "Sure, I put on 20 pounds, but it's not my fault - it's that darn Daylight Savings Time."
* The premiere of a Cuban movie in New York City was marred when the two stars of the film appeared to defect to the U.S. Cuba is demanding the return of the actors. Idea: let's send ‘em Mel Gibson and Adam Sandler and hope they don't notice.
* A Titanic tribute is being criticized for featuring a "giant, urinating puppet." I saw this gigantic, urinating puppet, and my first reaction was: "The acts on 'America's Got Talent' appear to be getting classier."
* An elderly North Carolina couple plans to marry despite speaking different languages. When you stop and think about it, don't most married couples speak a different language?
* The new Lady Gaga perfume supposedly exudes the scent of "an expensive hooker." I think we can cross this off the Mother's Day gift list for mom.
* There's one problem with the perfume that exudes the scene of an expensive hooker - after the bottle is opened, dozens of Secret Service agents come running.
* A 21-year-old Pennsylvania man was caught with a dummy in the passenger seat of his car. He denied it was there so he could use the carpool lane. I guess that just makes him absurdly lonely.
* Rocker Jerry Lee Lewis has wed for the seventh time. Statisticians say that at the present rate, it's statistically inevitable that Jerry Lee Lewis and Jennifer Lopez will tie the knot around 2029.
* The minister looked down and said, "You again?"
* LeBron James' Nike shoe designer tweeted that Derrick Rose should've worn Nikes and he wouldn't have gotten injured. Medical researchers asked the shoe designer to one day donate his body to science so it can be confirmed that instead of a brain he has a Swoosh.
* The Lingerie League features people in sports bras and tennis shoes running in an arena. I remember when that was called streaking.
* Phillies outfielder Domonic Brown was scratched from a game when he sustained a neck injury while napping. We're only a few weeks into the season but I think he can kiss that Ironman Award good-bye.
* NFL fans ejected from games are going to have to pass a "code of conduct" test to get back inside for another game. I propose rule no. 1: Any fan who shows up for the test shirtless when the temperature is under 20 degrees is automatically disqualified.