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Brad's morning edition
Check back with Omaha.com this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* On Tuesday, President Obama clinched the 2012 Democratic presidential nomination. There was no celebrating; it was all kept very low-key. Well, except for that Secret Service "nude limbo and kegger party."
* Obama clinched the nomination when he received the 2,778th delegate. This only works out to something like $27 million spent per delegate.
* On Tuesday at the University of Colorado, a woman spilled yogurt on Obama. Upon seeing a food substance, Obama promptly declared it an informal $500 per plate dinner and charged everyone in the room.
* On Tuesday, Newt Gingrich lost five state primaries. He was 0-5. In political parlance, this is called a "Kansas City Royals campaign."
* Mitt Romney also clinched the win, and the GOP primary race is all but over. Whew! I believe everyone in America led at one point.
* Vladimir Putin's wife has completely disappeared from public view right after the Russian election. In the U.S. we call someone who does this "vice president."
* Michelle Obama visited Omaha on Tuesday. Like a lot of people flying into town, she got a chill down her spine when from 30,000 feet she saw the thousands of orange traffic cones lining our streets.
* The Girls Inc. luncheons have now featured speakers Michelle Obama, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Madeleine Albright and Warren Buffett. When I was in Boy Scouts, I think the biggest name speaker we had was the guy in charge of replacing sprinkler heads at the Benson golf course.
* On behalf of the city, I'd like to apologize to Mrs. Obama for the towing of her limousine. It was overparked, and there are no exceptions.
* The new North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un, spoke in public for the first time. He called on Mitt Romney to release 10 years of tax returns.
* According to a Gallup poll, Mitt Romney has a two-point lead over President Obama. But according to a CNN poll, Obama holds a nine-point lead over Romney. The explanation may lie in the wording of the CNN poll. "Do you prefer the great world leader President Barack Obama or the rich flip-flopper born with the silver spoon in his mouth?"
* President Obama held a fundraiser one block from the White House. He couldn't afford gas to go any farther.
* On Tuesday night, Obama appeared on Jimmy Fallon's late-night talk show. Obama appears on TV entertainment shows so often that his Secret Service code name is "Seacrest."
* Obama has now appeared on every TV program in North America, with the exception of "Bird Watching With Hank Kenemore" on public access channel 739 in Akron, Ohio.
* The federal government cuts continue. Now the U.S. Secret Service has been ordered to only solicit discount prostitutes.
* Good news for the Obama administration: The president raised $53 million in March. Bad news for the Obama administration: Colombian prostitutes raised $54 million.
* After his comments about President Obama, Ted Nugent has been removed as the headliner at a June 23 concert at Fort Knox and replaced by the groups Styx and REO Speedwagon. After the remarks, some called for Nugent's incarceration. For a musician, being replaced by Styx is worse than 15 years of hard labor.
* Tuesday was Motown Night on "Dancing with the Stars." This is when the former stars of Motown spin in their graves at what the contestants are doing to their music.