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Brad's morning edition
Check back with Omaha.com this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* Secret Service agents allegedly brought prostitutes back to their five-star hotel in Cartagena, Colombia. Five-star hotel? I thought this country was $15 trillion in debt? Isn't there a Cartagena Super 8?
* President Obama said he will be "angry" if the allegations turn out to be true. There is zero truth to the rumor that Bill Clinton has offered to lead a fact-finding mission to Cartagena to get to the bottom of it.
* Newt Gingrich tried to cash a check on a checking account that had no money in it. That doesn't exactly instill confidence in the American people, when your president's photo is over a cash register on the list of people Walmart won't take a check from.
* Gingrich is attempting to be our first deadbeat president.
* President Obama has developed a large lead in several swing states, thanks mostly to a huge gender gap, with women favoring Obama by 25 percent in Wisconsin. A desperate-to-close-the-gender-gap Mitt Romney has narrowed his running mate choice down to Brad Pitt or Oprah.
* President Obama and former president Bill Clinton are going to appear together at a fundraiser April 28. Taking into consideration Clinton's speaking fee and Obama's fundraising prowess, the event should bring in about $19 trillion.
* The Sarpy County Board approved the building of a $2.3 million pet resort, which will be 12,000 square feet and feature skylights, an air filtering system, three indoor play areas, two grooming salons, televisions and a retail strip mall. I believe this will make the NU basketball practice facility only the second most impressive new structure in the state.
* The resort is targeted at pets and College World Series fans who don't book their trips until the last minute.
* All the money raised at the Tim Tebow Golf Classic will go to the underprivileged - people who listened to Rex Ryan and bet on the Jets to win the Super Bowl.
* I have an idea to make the Tim Tebow Golf Classic more interesting: If Tebow leads the Jets to a championship next year, John Elway has to caddy for him.
* The Augusta National Golf Club is close to accepting its first female member. Apparently, a few weeks ago when we moved the clocks forward one hour, Augusta moved its clocks ahead all the way to 1961.
* At the Roger Clemens perjury retrial, 90 potential jurors were called. It looked like the crowd at a Tampa Bay Rays home game.
* Chicago White Sox pitcher Phil Humber threw a perfect game. People in Chicago were so thrilled when they heard that for a split second a few considered switching over from the Cubs game, then thought better of it.
* A Kansas City Royals pitcher threw a perfect game. Unfortunately, it was during batting practice.
* Florida Panthers GM Dale Tallon said he hopes his players grow playoff beards down to their rear ends. It's only April, but we've already found the winner of the 2012 Yogi Berra Achievement Award.