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Brad's morning edition
Check back with Omaha.com this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* The Earth Day celebration at Elmwood Park to honor the environment is expected to draw thousands. Not to worry; if they have to, organizers will bulldoze half the trees to create parking.
* President Obama announced that, in honor of Earth Day on Saturday, the Secret Service will be recycling prostitutes.
* This is nice: To observe Earth Day, Newt Gingrich will be bitten by several endangered species.
* Earlier this week, on a trip to the St. Louis Zoo, Gingrich was bitten by a penguin. Then, later that day, he was chased by a dog that jumped out of a crate atop Mitt Romney’s car.
* Omaha is getting a Lingerie League football franchise. A formal announcement will be made any day when lingerie-clad players are introduced. This may be mistaken for the weirdest Earth Day celebration yet.
* In the Lingerie League, players compete in often see-through, sheer uniforms. Or, as we call this in eastern Nebraska this time of year: "prom attire."
* Ann Romney just celebrated a birthday. If elected president, next year Mitt plans to give her Delaware.
* The U.S. Secret Service-prostitution scandal in Colombia continues to grow. The Obama Administration will no longer be referring to them as prostitutes; now they’re "small business workers."
* Newt Gingrich lashed out and said that money should have gone to American prostitutes.
* The upcoming Will Smith movie takes place 1,000 years into the future. In the opening scene, Gingrich is finally conceding the 2012 GOP presidential nomination.
* Romney said that if he’s re-elected, Obama will end Medicare. Then, to really scare seniors, Romney claimed that Obama would cancel "Canon" reruns on ME TV.
* Congress is going to tackle postal reform. As you may know, Congress has been grappling with postal reform since it first called for using faster Pony Express ponies.
* With Congress and the U.S. Post Office working together, we’ll get this done by November 2056.
* The GSA - Government Services Administration - allegedly spent $823,000 on a lavish trip to Las Vegas, with the money spent on opulent meals and luxury two-story hotel rooms with huge jacuzzis. It certainly made it easier to pay my taxes this week, knowing the money was going to this worthwhile purpose.
* Omaha native Annie Gustafson just completed a 1,860-mile hike in New Zealand, where she braved angry cows, chest-deep water and horrific terrain. Or, as that’s called in Ames, Iowa, "rush hour."
* A new website tracks procrastination. I’ve been meaning to check it out for seven or eight weeks now.