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Brad's morning edition
Check back with Omaha.com this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* Boston University researchers have just documented the first use of fire 1 million years ago. It was used by early Kentucky basketball fans to burn primitive couches after a win.
* The first fire likely involved up to 10,000 attempts to get it lit. Nowadays we call that, "Dad does the grilling."
* The Suzanne and Walter Scott Aquarium has reopened at Henry Doorly Zoo. Some confused Omahans were lining up in hopes of winning free crab for a year.
* After Kentucky won the NCAA Tournament, President Obama called coach John Calipari. And, because Kansas refused to quit even when it was obvious the team couldn't win, Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum called the KU locker room.
* To throw away the late Douglas County Courthouse rat, prosecutors or cleaning staff may have used a paper bag containing evidence from a murder trial. Let me be the first to question their priorities.
* If this is true, I can never make fun of the judicial systems in Florida again.
* A California woman received three speeding tickets in one hour. Ironically, before moving to California, she was a five-time winner of the "Best Omaha Driver" award.
* After the woman got her third ticket in one hour, Ndamukong Suh said, "Oh, well. Records were made to be broken."
* There is going to be a lottery for tickets to the Senior Open golf tournament in Omaha. After hearing the word "lottery," 40 million Americans, some of whom don't know what golf is, simultaneously shouted, "I'm in!"
* Peyton Manning said, "I realize I don't have another 14 years left." Then Brett Favre said, "Well, I think I do."
* Eleven conference commissioners met for 7 1/2 hours to discuss changes to the BCS college football postseason. How about this for starters: The Orange Bowl halftime show must be shorter than 7 1/2 hours in length.
* Roger Bannister just said: "It's amazing that more people have climbed Mount Everest than have broken the 4-minute mile." Actually, if you stopped drug testing tomorrow, within a month guys would be breaking the 4-minute mile running up Mount Everest.
* The Miami Marlins' new stadium features faux dolphins splashing into a pool whenever someone hits home run. Werner Park officials call that "the gimmick that got away."