Breaking Brad: $16 million cable bill; courthouse rat adapts quickly - Omaha.com
Published Wednesday, April 4, 2012 at 12:01 am / Updated at 9:37 am
Breaking Brad: $16 million cable bill; courthouse rat adapts quickly

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition

Check back with Omaha.com this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* It's reported that Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich had a secret meeting at a locale where no one would see them: midcourt during the NIT championship game.

* Romney pulled off the hat trick on Tuesday, winning three primaries. The last time Romney pulled off a hat trick, he won the Beluga Tasting Festival, the America's Cup and the Northeast Polo Challenge in one weekend.

* After the Tuesday primaries, Rick Santorum told a crowd in Pennsylvania that he's ready to kick off the second half of primary season. Nobody knows what Santorum said after that, since the entire crowd fainted after realizing this thing is only half over.

* The Republican primary season is similar to the building of the Egyptian pyramids, only it takes longer.

* On Tuesday, Sarah Palin co-hosted the "Today" show. It was perfect timing, because she got to wish a happy 100th birthday to Newt Gingrich.

* President Obama was going to criticize Palin for co-hosting the "Today" show, but he was in a sticky spot with his wife negotiating a deal to get the Obamas on “Wipeout! Couples Challenge.”

* A man in Ohio received a monthly cable TV bill of $16 million. The cable company immediately contacted him to say if he bundled his cable, Internet and phone, they could get that down to $13.9 million per month.

* And, a New Jersey woman received, for the third time, a bill from the Comcast cable company for hundreds of pornographic movies. At a press conference, the woman said she again is refusing to pay the bill because she didn't order the movies. She was backed by her husband, her two daughters and her teenage son - say, anyone seen Jimmy? Jimmy?

* A TSA agent found seven snakes inside a man's pants. You know how things go at airport security. The agent missed three more snakes and the goat.

* On Sunday, a live rat was spotted inside the Douglas County Courthouse by a county employee. The employee screamed, and then the rat fainted because he was so shocked to see a Douglas County employee working on a weekend

* This is typical: The rat had been hanging around Douglas County offices for only a couple of days when he demanded a pay raise.

* The rat was caught in a glue trap using a candy bar as bait. Before that, three fourth-graders on a field trip had to be removed from the trap.

* Ryan Leaf was arrested twice in three days. You know the technical term for someone in sports like that? “Oakland Raiders fan.”

* Canadian football player Peter Dyakowski won a reality show to choose the smartest person in Canada. The victory is kind of hollow, seeing as how the 30 million smartest people in Canada are too intelligent to go on a reality show.

* Three members of a set of quadruplets (their brother is a standout for the boys team) led an Ohio high school to its first state girls basketball championship. More importantly, in the history of sports, this is the first time a team was actually entitled to say, “We're like family.”

* Bob Knight will be speaking at a Nebraska high school coaching clinic on July 24 in Lincoln. I'm trying to confirm the topic of Knight's speech will be “Getting the @#%& most from your #$&^ @#$* players.”

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

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